We're Baaaaaaaaaack!

I wouldn't call it a comeback...



It's really more of a flare up.

For more road trip blog hilarity, please see East Infection 2008. We promise that you'll only be slightly disappointed.

Coming Soon!

Let's be honest. Nothing can live up to the fun that was Carjoy-especially since Jon now has a "big boy" job and can't go on another road trip for a long, long time.

But that won't stop me from trying again--this time on the East Coast.

And so, this Friday, I invite you to join Keith and I on the Worst. Road Trip. Ever.

Don't worry. Jon will definitely be there in spirit. And MamaRu and PapaRu will make an appearance--along with America's Newest Ruane: MollyJoy!

So come visit us at WorstRoadTripEver.blogspot.com! You'll almost surely regret it!

The End?

Here's the thing...

I'm not good with the whole final statement thing.

In fact...on Emancipation Vacation...I never wrote a final post when I got home.

For Carjoy, I was determined to do something.

So I spent a few hours on my computer...and with the help of Jeff's genius sound editing skills...I came up with the following "video" presentation.



Enjoy!

Right Back Where We Started From

It's been a looooong ten days. (Has it really only been ten days?) Our final day of Carjoy was spent in luxury on Tuesday, 7/4 at the lovely Miramonte Spa and Resort--a far cry, to be sure, from the Best Western in Beaver, Utah, where, on Day One, someone pooped in the pool.

I feel like I've lived through four centuries since that episode.

Anyway, this was my first spa experience, and one that was definitely welcome after sitting in the Turquoise Bullet for over 2600 miles.

Jon and Jeff with special Carjoy guests: Keith and Brad!

Keith and Brad joined Jon and I on this final leg of our journey. After waking up from the most restful night of sleep I think Ive ever had (Jon mentioned the beds already...but seriously, they were ridiculously comfortable...) we all went to the Well Spa and began swimming and sunning.

Jollibee relaxes, but doesn't like to get his hat wet. . .

AlienJoy!

Even my phone decided to take a swim in the pool! (OK, maybe that was my fault. But come on--I had just spent ten days in a car!) Otherwise, the spa day was amazing.

We all took a dip in the pools, suffocated in the steam room, and then we each got a massage. I treated myself a hot cobblestone treatment, where I was hoping that they'd just throw rocks at me until I was dead. However, they simply heated up the rocks until they were molten lava and then rubbed them all over me. It felt much better than it sounds, and once the burns heal I'm sure to feel very relaxed.

Ok, it actually felt really, really good. I'm just annoyed that my masseuse was gabbing with the masseuse that Keith, Brad and Jon all had...and told her that I might be a little ticklish. Their massuese came out and immediately shared that information with them. Giggling (on their part) ensued. My relaxation was short-lived, to be sure.

I'd have called to complain, but as it turns out, when you swim with your phone, it stops working. Stupid razr.

Anyway, after a (nearly) stress-free day, Jon and I drove the last 100+ miles back to LA's own Jollibee to officially finish off Carjoy, 2006, just the way we started--albeit a little more haggard after driving approximately 2,777 miles.

Thanks for paying attention to Carjoy! Hope you had half as fun reading it as Jon and I had living it. (Well, most of it, anyway...)

See you at Jollibee!

Here's The Thing. . .

Earlier this week, as we were driving out of Stupid New Mexico, we began seeing signs for "The Thing."


For almost two hundred miles, the side of the road is littered with them (along with various other New Mexican debris). Jon and I had already agreed that we weren't going to stop at The Thing if it was before we reached the state border. Luckily for us, it was in Arizona.

So....after hours of seeing the billboards. . .we were wondering what you're wondering. . .



Good question. Lucky for you, your Carjoy correspondents were on the scene to investigate.


Unfortunately, we're still not really sure what it is. It costs a dollar, that much we know. You enter into what is essentially the back of the cheesy rest area/gift shop, and you're greeted with this:

An early model tractor: Just "The Thing" for replacing four-legged horse power, as the sign says.

Is that it? Is that really The Thing?

No. As you wander through, this place becomes a sort of museum, inside of what are essentially giant metal trailers that are connected by a sidewalk with giant yellow footprints. In the second trailer is a collection of . . .well, artifacts is probably too strong of a word, but I'll use it anyway. There were some 400 year old guns on display, along with old Morse Code transmitters, some random signage, and lots of wood carvings. Some of them depicting scenes. . .

TortureThing

...and some depicting....other things. . .


(We think that one might have made the yellow footprints!)

In the final metal trailer, you are treated to this Thing:



Some sort of mummified corpse, laying beneath a glass covered in bird poop. (Of course something pooped on it.) Not quite the plasticized corpses we saw in Denver, but still. It was a little too Poltergeist-ish for me.

And then...there's this Thing:

Yes. That's a Hitler dummy.

Seriously.

Who puts that anywhere?

Arizona got off to a bad start.

Or perhaps it was run-off suck from people speeding out of New Mexico. Either way...The Thing was almost worth the dollar just for the fact that it was somewhere other than New Mexico. Except for the Hitler bit, it was an interesting assemblage of items.

And also a complete waste of time....kind of like this post.

This Ain't No Drama Club!

Let's go back to Monday night...shall we?

Jeff and I arrived at the Miramonte Resort and Spa in Indian Wells, California with joy in hearts.

Why?

Because we were two states away from stupidNewMexico.

On the drive to the Miramonte Resort and Spa, Jeff and I called Keith and Brad to convince them to join us.

The "convincing" took a whole three seconds.

We also called Bookie...who was VERY busy buying "Fine" China at Costco. His plate was SO full that he had to go out and buy a couple of new ones.

Unfortunately for us and the guests at the Mirmonte Resort and Spa, Bookie stayed in LA.

While waiting for Brad and Keith to arrive, Jeff and I checked into our room at the Miramonte Resort and Spa...where we discovered the MOST COMFORTABLE BEDS EVER.

Seriously.

They were magical. Like sleeping on a cloud. A big puffy cumulus cloud filled with joy.

A couple of hours later, Keith and Brad arrived and we all went out for a delicious dinner.

Post-dinner, we decided to drive into Palm Springs to check out what nighttime was like there.



We went to my "favorite" kind of gay bar. A "video" bar. A video bar called "Hunter's."

We ordered some drinks and had a lovely time.





And then some crazy started to trickle in.



And then...the crazydam burst.



And supercraziness arrived.





It was all too much for us to handle.

And the MOST COMFORTABLE BEDS EVER were calling our names...so we piled into Keith's car and headed back to the Miramonte Resort and Spa.

And everyone went to bed...



And slept.



With sugarplum Normas dancing in our heads.


(I'm working on a very special final Carjoy presentation. Hopefully it will be done later today. Or tomorrow. Or...well...let's be honest. It'll probably end up being posted on Friday.)

New Mexico? More like BOO Mexico!

Sorry for our lack of updates. We've been too busy celebrating the fact that we made it out of New Mexico (realatively) unscathed.

Upon arriving in Phoenix on Sunday night, Jon and I met up with my friend Amy and her fiancee Brian. I've known Amy since I was in High School, and had a job working in Wildwood, NJ at an arcade. They met us at a gay bar called Amsterdam in downtown Phoenix...mere blocks from the Ramada we were staying.

Jeffjoy and AmyLove

Now with Brian!

I was sad to discover the bar was having a kareoke night. Blam! Brian got up to sing, and once he finished, our party moved to the outdoor area so that we could talk in peace. Amy and I had fun reminiscing about our past, and caught up with each other's presents. Of course, my favorite part was when she figured out I was gay--the photos of Jon and I at the rocks in Utah were the first thing to tip her off, apparently.

Keep in mind, we haven't seen each other in a verylong time.

Amy was sweet as pie, just how I remember. And since Jon and I were verybusy celebrating the fact that we were out of New Mexico, the liquor flowed...although there was one sculpture there that reminded us of The Land of Enchantment:


"Half a Man" can be yours...for only three thousand dollars.

Nothanks. Perhaps New Mexico can add it to its fine collection of street art:

JonPerv

NOTHIN!

I know I've been raging against New Mexico for the better part of Carjoy, but I honestly believe that you need to know the dangers that lie in New Mexico for you.

1. There is NO. FOOD. ANYWHERE.

StarveDie

And even if there is a rumor of food....it's likely closed...

...or you don't want to eat there.

Even when you find food, it's mutated and inedible.

2. Generally speaking, New Mexico is beatiful. But looks will only get you so far. It's what's on the inside that counts:

Bear in mind, we were on the "scenic route" through New Mexico. . .


State motto of New Mexico:

Foolish things such as. . .

...writing on top of a mountain. I don't know what it means. But it's probably from someone message from someone who tried to escape from New Mexico. Clearly, he's long dead. Or perhaps its an alien communication! Either way, we didn't stick around to find out.

Then there's the people of New Mexico. I'm sure most of them are verynice...however, they have very unique ways of transporting themselves. . .

CrispyBike built for three--towing a baby carriage. SafeFun!

They still ride horses here. Ofcoursetheydo.

I could go on. . .
and on. . .


...and on. . .


...about New Mexico. But there's other, more important stuff to write about. Besides...I think I've made my point.

But if U want 2 buy property in the Land of Enchantment. . .



Go 4 it!

Happy American Pride!!!

All of the Carjoy correspondents have arrived home safely!

Final posts will be up tomorrow (at some point).

Until then, enjoy our very own "fireworks" display for the Fourth of July...





The folks at Carjoy want to wish everyone...a safe and happy Independence Day!!!

(Except for the state of New Mexico...we still hate you.)

Day Ten : Indian Wells, CA to Los Angeles, CA

Mile 2647.1 -- Sadly...we are leaving the beautiful and relaxing Miramonte Resort and Spa behind! Seeya!

Mile 2647.9 -- Gas Station Stop. Jon gets harassed by a homeless guy. They get into a fight. Miraculously, Jon wins.

Mile 2666.9 -- Race against the clock time! It's 110 miles to Los Angeles. And it's almost 9 pm. And Jollibee closes at 10:30 pm (just like all of stupidNewMexico)! AHHHHH!

Mile 2670.0 -- The Lactaid/Gas-X cocktail fails to save Jeff from Jon's "dairy" issues. Bessie the cow refuses to take responsibility.

Mile 2674.9 -- We pass a sign that tells us that Riverside is in 45 miles. There is no mention of Los Angeles.

How is that helpful to anyone???

Mile 2685.7 -- Only 89 miles to Los Angeles?

Will we make it?

Only time will tell...

Mile 2685.8 -- Waaaaooo! Two sets of Fireworks! On either side of the highway!



Mile 2698.5 -- Traffic Jam! For no reason!

Rar.

There is no time for stopping everyone!

No time!

Mile 2710.7 -- Fireworks are everywhere!

Mile 2723.7 -- Since Mama Ru loved it so much the first time, here is a reprise of "Gay Boyfriend."



Mile 2731.8 -- Gayest. iPod. Ever.



Jon tries to "educate" Jeff on musical theater...by playing "Liza with a Z."

Jeff insists on being the...worst. student. ever.

Mile 2739.3 -- BOAM!

Mile 2763.5 -- Fireworks are all over the place right now! Seriously!

I don't know if you've heard...but it's the Fourth of July!

Happy American Pride everyone!

Mile 2767.5 -- Another Traffic Jam! AHHHH! We're not going to make it to Jollibee in time for Crispy Chickenjoy! OR Juicy Yumburgers!

Mile 2770.5 -- We're on the 101! We're almost there! Maybe we will make it after all!

Mile 2776.1 -- We're ALMOST almost there! But is it in time?

Mile 2776.8 -- Ten Days later...we arrive at Jollibee.

Bookie is already there drinking his purple Ube Pearl Cooler.



ofcourseheis.

And guess what?

Just like the entire state of New Mexico (and/or New Jersey), Jollibee is closed.

BUT that doesn't stop us from taking a Carjoy family photo with Grandfather Jollibee!



Happy Carjoy everyone!

Day Nine : Phoenix, AZ to Indian Wells, CA

Mile 2382.3 -- See ya Phoenix! California, here we coooooooooooooooooooooooooooome!

Mile 2384.1 -- We stop for gas. Guess who bought an entire box of illegal alien ICE Mint Mentos that are only supposed to be sold in Indonesia?



Mile 2422.5 -- Jeff is on the phone! He is very important!



He's way too busy to talk to anyone. Especially Zak.

Mile 2428.3 -- Bessie the cow never asked for the anal probe.



Mile 2436.0 -- Yet another tractor trailer tries to run us over.

Mile 2468.0 -- 297 miles to Los Angeles! We'll see you soon!

Mile 2478.2 -- What up with this Pink Grapefruit Mentos?



It looks like it has jizzy eye!

Mile 2501.2 -- Bad Ass Strippa time, yo!!!



Mile 2510.5 -- The "sing every song like Fred Schneider from the B-52s" bit continues to entertain!



For those of you having problems understanding what is going on here, watch this...



...and hopefully that will make everything all better. Or something.

Mile 2522.1 -- Jon invents the jerky sandwich...



...Wheat Thins plus Beef Jerky turns out to be deliciously salty, but also deliciously hard to eat.

Mile 2535.2 -- Thank G-d/Yahweh/Allah! We're back in California!

Mile 2535.3-- Jeff sees a truck filled with Hay.

Guess what he says?

Idiot!

Mile 2558.0 -- Only 75 miles to Indio...which mean it's less than two hours to the Miramonte Resort and Spa in Indian Wells, CA!

Hi...Jon and Jeff are both very excited to relax!

Mile 2591.4 -- Hi...Bimbo!



Where's Bookie?

Mile 2605.9 -- Jeff and Jon convince Brad and Keith to meet them at the Miramonte Resort and Spa in Indian Wells! Jon is very excited to talk to "real people." Unless Jeff cuts him first.

Also...Who's Brad?

And does anyone want a Chocolate Chip Cookie?

Chips Ahoy!!!

Mile 2609.9 -- Mecca!



I hear they pray a lot there.

mile 2616.2-- We pass a sign for Frontage Road!



There's a whole lot of "Frontin'" on that road. You want to avoid it at all costs...especially if your name is Jeff Nucera.

Mile 2628.3 -- The whole gang is VERY excited to have a "me" day at the Miramonte Resort and Spa!



Bessie can't wait to get a relaxing cobblestone massage.

Jollibee is in desperate need of a facial.

Syphie is oozing with excitement at the prospect of a body scrub.

And Allie the Alien is very excited to try out his new Anal Probe 2000 on a whole new set of people.

Mile 2654.0 -- We pass a sign for "Monroe Street." Jeff launches into a "Too Close For Comfort" bit. Ted Knight rolls over in his grave.

Mile 2640.0 -- Almost there!

Mile 2645.7 -- Hi...we just passed the Miramonte Resort and Spa! And there is no place to turn around.

Of course there isn't.

Mile 2646.8 -- We've arrived at the Miramonte Resort and Spa!

Let the relaxing begin...NOW!

Ode To The B-Line

(Apologies to Rosie)



yesterday we went
to the b-line in tucson
i'd been there before

they have the best pie
i have ever tasted. yeah.
couldn't wait for it

got there at dinner
ordered tuna sandwiches
they were delicious

it was then time for
the best pie in the whole world
was ready to jizz

what pie to order
oh so many to choose from
pick berry and apple








time to eat and eat
jeff thought i was crazy boy
yeah. crazy for pie.







oh sweet joy and bliss
thank heavens for b-line pie
one of god's great gifts





i might have let jeff
consume some yummy pie too
i think he liked it





jeff is the best friend
a homo blog boy could ask
for. seriously.

he came to tucson
just so i could have some pie
isn't he the best







post pie bliss was sweet
my stomach and taste buds happy
jeff and jon happy too

the cute boy that used
to work at the b-line place
nowhere to be seen

his name was josh and
i used to make google eyes
at him with my buds

but today there was
new boy in bandana
didn't get his name

i did stare a lot
at him. i even got his
picture. secretly.



it was time to go
do i get more pie to take
with us on the road



of course i said yes
but which yum pie to choose from
had to pick right one



chose the cherry pie
thought it might be a good snack
one for late night eat



this is me outside
best place on earth for piejoy
was just so happy

there was talk after
to venture to the gay bar
across the big street

don't make me go jeff
IBTs is the worst place
to go post piejoy



we drove to phoenix
we went out with jeff's old friend
to gay bar in town

i was just so glad
that i didn't have to go
to that bad bad bar

post bar went to room
where we ate and ate and ate
plenty of junk food





we also ate that pie
so delicious going down
dropped some on the floor





question of the night
does cherry pie stain come out
we hope that it does

NOTHIN!

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Carjoy will not be seen tonight. Instead, please enjoy this rerun of Emancipation Vacation! (The road trip from 2005!)


Please come back next time for an all new Carjoy!

Day Eight: Roswell, NM to Phoenix, AZ

Mile 1791.3 -- Goodbye, Leisure Inn. We have to be in Tucson by 8PM!

Mile 1792.7 -- Leaving Roswell City Limits! Bye, Crazies!

Mile 1805.3 -- Jeff and Jon discover that Syphie abducted an alien in Roswell, and used Jollibee to transport him.

Alienjoy!

Mile 1805.6 Bessie picks a fight with Allie, the alien, raging about years of mutilation to her family.

Cowmad

In other news, Jeff has lost his mind.

Mile 1809.3 -- Jon swears he saw a sign about retarded brakes. Clearly, he's lost his mind as well.

Mile 1811.1 -- We're officially alone on the road.

Mile 1821.7 -- "Safety Corridor. Reduce Speed," says the sign. "Safety corridor, my ass," shouts Jon.

Mile 1856.7 -- "End Safety Corridor." Now we can kill ourselves without fear of reprisal.

Mile 1857.9 -- Disco Tacos! And the Billy the Kid Museum. No, thanks.


Mile 1859.6 -- Ruidiso, NM is super crazy. 50% off Furniture and Bears! (Even leather ones. Seriously.)


Mile 1861.4 -- J&J Bar and Country Church. Clearly, we should stop.


We don't.

There's also a J&J Mini Mart. We don't stop there, either.

Mile 1867.1 -- Jeff and Jon realize they gain an hour in Arizona. Hi, 25 hour day! The extra hour will be filled with pie in Tucson. Arizona, they realize, is already infinitely cooler than New Mexico. They hurry to get there.

Mile 1875.3 -- Right Lane Closed. Road Work. Ofcourseitis. Hurrying ceases.

Mile 1881.2 -- Bent, NM. I have no joke for that.

Mile 1891.0 -- Tularosa, NM. Why are we still in New Mexico?

Mile 1917.8 -- Desert Sand missile range. Clearly, this is not a Safety Corridor.


Mile 1919.3 -- Nancy Site. Hi, we're right here!


Mile 1959.1 -- NASA Fun Zone! This might make New Mexico less hateful....But wait! It must be some sort of trap of lame-ness! YOU'LL HAVE TO TRY HARDER, NEW MEXICO!!! YOU CAN'T FOOL US!!!

Mile 1963.9 -- But you can starve us, apparently. Hi, there's no food. Again. There is, however, an adult toy factory. No thanks.
Mile 1968.6 -- Roadrunner has no food. Just like the rest of New Mexico.

Mile 1973.1 -- Lunchbreak at Farley's!

Mile 1978.8 -- We're officially on the 10 West--the road we'll eventually take to Los Angeles.

Mile 2000 -- WEEOOOOO! 2000 Miles!!!

Mile 2000.3 -- Traffic stops. Please get us the hell out of this state.

Mile 2005.6 -- 248 Miles to Tucson!

Mile 2007.7 -- Asshat in a truck nearly kills us.

Mile 2039.1 -- Different asshat trucker tries to take us out, along with the people behind us. We will get out of New Mexico even if it kills us. We might need a new Safety Corridor.

Mile 2041.1 -- Oh my! A new Safety Corridor! Now no one's allowed to kill us!

Mile 2047.2 -- 138 Miles until "The Thing?" We agree that if The Thing is still in New Mexico, we won't stop to find out what it is.

ConfusionFun!

Mile 2061.2 -- Need a vasectomy reversal? Of course you do.

Mile 2065.8 -- Safety Corridor ends. Hi, we're F'd.

Mile 2092.2 -- Detour ahead. WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE GET OUT OF NEW MEXICO?! SERIOUSLY??? WHY!!!!!!!

Mile 2097.5 -- Jon goes to jail for suggesting that you go to "Kranberries" if you have a urinary tract infection. Idiot.

Mile 2105.2 -- A rock formation has the phrase "Fraggle Rock" painted on it. New Mexico is bursting at the seems with a nightmarish level of insanity.

Mile 2106.7 -- Upon seeing a dust storm ahead, Jon shouts, "Auntie Em! It's a twister!" No wonder we're banned in China.

Mile 2120.4 -- GOODBYE, NEW MEXICO! FOREVER!!!! Hi, **ARIZONA** We looooove you!!!

Mile 2131.4 -- Thank God for Arizona/Pacific Time. Hi, it's re-three-o'clock. We're very happy to have this hour over again in a REAL state.

Mile 2185.4 -- Here's "The Thing." Thankfully. Hi, we're on E! And not the popular cable network.
Mile 2232.6 -- Tucson! In 21 Miles!

Mile 2236.9 -- It's raining. But at least it's not New Mexico.

Mile 2253.2 -- Beautiful Downtown Tucson.

Mile 2253.6 -- Lost in Beautiful Downtown Tucson. Jon: "We're not lost!" Apparently, we're simply misplaced.

Mile 2254.1 -- We're at the corner of 6th & 6th. Seriously.

Mile 2254.5 -- We arrive at the B-line. Jon nearly jizzes.

Mile 2343.9 -- Arizona = Beautiful. And so far, not so much full of crazy. And we still hate New Mexico.

Mile 2347.5 -- "Queen Creek." Jon's RIGHT HERE! And he just proved it by asking, "Could you have made a Dawson's Creek reference?"


Mile 2352.6 -- It's 102 Degrees out. Hi, my pages are singed.

Mile 2362.6 -- First sign for Los Angeles. We're not gonna! (yet)

Mile 2368.1 -- Downtown Phoenix!

Mile 2368.6 -- Jon pulls over into Church's Chicken to take an emergency potty break. Apparently, eating forty-two pies in under an hour took its toll. Sadly, he had to use the women's bathroom. No comment.


Mile 2371.5 -- Ramada Inn, Downtown Phoenix! Weooo!

I want to marry an alien princess!

After we finally escaped Santa Fe, Jeff and I made our way to Roswell. On the ride down, I looked in one of the twenty travel books I brought and discovered that the first weekend in July...Roswell has a UFO Festival.

And we were going to be there.

Jeff was very excited. I was a little scared.

Once we arrived in Roswell, Jeff and I stopped off at the "Nothin' Fancy Cafe," which was definitely not fancy. In fact, it was nothing short of bland and boring.

We then made our way to downtown Roswell...where the UFO Festival was "raging."

We checked out the International UFO Museum and Research Center (It's International!).



It was all a little much for me to take in...since I am highly skeptical about the whole Roswell fiasco. I find the whole bit about as believable as the idea that Halo-Halo is delicious.



The layout of the museum, which consisted of photocopies newspaper articles and badly written email testimonials, didn't really do much to sway me in the other direction.



Post-museum time consisted of us wandering the streets and going into every ridiculous alien souvenir shop in town.









I was about ready to get the heck out of Roswell, when we looked at our UFO Festival programs and discovered that there was a Costume Contest in front of the Museum at 6:30pm.

How could we NOT go?

So we went.

Before the contest began, I saw two little people wandering around in very strange alien costumes. It looked like they stuck two giant lampshades together and then added googly eyes.





I wasn't all that impressed.

Intrigued? Yes.

Impressed? No.

In fact, I was more fascinated with Jeff's new girlfriend, Norma, an alien flower lady riding a Jazzy.



But then...the costume contest began.

Big freaks and little freaks paraded around.





And then the googly eyed lampshade little people came out.



And then, this happened...



Not sure what is going on?

Try watching this...



That's right.

The googly eyed lampshade little people were actually alien princesses in disguise! The top half of their costume flipped down to reveal two perfectly made up little tweenagers.









I was in love.



I didn't care about any of the other alien costumes. All I wanted to do was take pictures of my alien princesses.

So I did...














I know. I'm a giant homo for loving princesses...but I couldn't stop myself. They were just so ridiculously perfect.

And I loved the fact that these two cute little girls were hanging out around Star Trek freaks and conspiracy nuts.



Not only were they cute. They were cool!

Eventually, the costume contest winners were announced. And my princesses were among them.



It's a good thing they won...because if they didn't...I would have ended up whining about it all night...and then, Jeff would have stabbed me.

There would be no more Carjoy. Only Carhate.

But that didn't happen.

My alien princesses were winners!


Once the contest wrapped up, we were allowed to approach the winners and take pictures with them.

After three long panic attack inducing minutes, I finally mustered the courage to go up to the alien princesses.



I don't think I've ever been happier.





OK. Maybe I don't want to marry an alien princess...I think I want to BE one.

Don't you?

The Grey Pride Parade

When I was a student at Temple University in Philly, I took a UFO class with an amazing professor, Dr. David Jacobs. The class was great and the idea of UFO's both fascinates and terrifies me all at once. (Especially since all I can remember from the class are the abductee horror stories.) My love of kitsch combined with my fascination of UFO's lead us to stop in Roswell, New Mexico--home of the infamous alleged UFO Crash in 1947.

Before arriving in Roswell, I had a vision of a city full of trashy UFO fun and alien heads. I also had wildly assumed that since everyone in Santa Effing Fe was insane, that everyone in Roswell would be normal by comparison, even under their UFO crash exteriors.

The things I saw here yesterday changed all of that.

Upon arriving in Roswell, NM, we stopped at a place to eat called "Nothin' Fancy." It definitely lived up to its name.

Nothin!

We had originally planned to spend a few hours in Roswell, checking out the cheap UFO tchotchkes and random alienjoy before heading out to Las Cruces to spend the night halfway between here and Phoenix.

I was not prepared for what we walked into. We somehow managed to arrive on the weekend of the annual UFO Convention. Turns out that they celebrate the anniversary of that crash the first week of July every year. Who knew??

Jon and I first made our way through the blocked off streets of downtown Roswell toward the UFO Museum. Most of the non-UFO related shops were closed (ofcoursetheywere--it was later than 3PM after all...)

YumSpell!

As we entered the International (!!) UFO Museum and Research Center, I was simply blown away. They had us sign in, and we made the suggested two dollar donation to enter.



Inside, there was a great amount of detail regarding the crash in 1947--newspaper clippings of the initial reports, as well as those of the alleged weather balloon cover-up. There is also pretty in-depth exhibits on close encounters of each kind, and ancient cultures and how alien creatures seemed to be popping up even thousands of years ago.

Of course, there was the cheap, trashy side of the UFO and alien phenomenon. . .

JonJoy by a horse covered with Roswell crash articles. I have no idea.

VerySerious about my work.

After the museum experience, we decided that we'd stick around for the alien costume contest. Ofcoursewedid. While waiting for it to begin, Jon and I decided to walk around and see all that downtown Roswell has to offer:

We wandered in and out of cheesy UFO shops and found one with a "Space Walk." The guy inside the shop reminded me of Curly Joe DeRita. He was doing bits all over the place and his pitch totally convinced me to check out the Space Walk. Fluorescent painted lameness ensued.

We also entered a store where the shopkeep was hosting a radio show from behind the counter. Today's subject? How the Bible has given us everything we need to know about the UFO phenomenon...but we just need to know where to look.

Jon and I left. Quickly.

Besides--it was nearly time for the Big Event: The Alien Costume Contest!!!

This is where people dress up their children, their pets and themselves in an attempt to win some sort of small cash prize.

I'll let the photos speak for themselves.










This is around the time Jon became obsessed with the pretty, pretty princesses. Seriously, I was a little worried about him. He has about a hundred photos of them. As he told me later, "I don't love them. I want to be them." Ofcoursehedoes.

Meanwhile, I was maybe a little bit busy with the guy carrying a bit of foil around, screaming: "IT WAS A WEATHER BALLOON!"


Jon thinks I was in love with him only because he was doing a bit. He's probably right. Or maybe he's The One. Either way. . .

I was also in love with Norma...albeit a different kind of love altogether.

The future Mrs. Jeff NuceraJoy

Seriously. Any retired woman who would get into her Jazzy and dress up like this in an alien costume contest is either totally insane or totally amazing.

Judging from the bear-claw shoes, I'm definitely leaning towards super-crazy.


Somehow, even though they handed out about fifty seven prizes, Norma was completely overlooked. Maybe it was her drunken rant into the microphone. Maybe it was the way she stumbled around when she stood up for fifteen seconds. Or maybe it was the basket on her Jazzy. All I know is that apparently, even the wackos have people they think are too crazy.

Later, there was an actual parade--complete with fire trucks, ambulances...and shriners in tiny cars driving around. There was also a local high school band playing music from Star Wars.

And now, we're leaving New Mexico for good. And I still am not ringing that bell.

Day Seven : Santa Fe, NM to Roswell, NM

Mile 1590.4 -- Bye Luxury Inn!

Mile 1592.4 -- Souper! Salad!



Eh! Eh! Eh!

Mile 1593.1 -- F*cking Hava Java.

Mile 1593.2 -- We ask a postman for suggestions about where to eat breakfast. He suggests Carl's Jr, but then remembers that they stop serving breakfast at 11 am. Worst. Postman. Ever.

Mile 1594.4 -- Abandoned all hope. Venturing towards downtown Santa Fe.

Mile 1595.9 -- With the discovery of Dunkin' Donuts, Jeff doesn't hate Santa Fe as much as he used to.

Mile 1596.0 -- Back on the road...to Roswell!

Mile 1600.2 -- We have left Santa Fe behind. Thank G-d.

Mile 1601.8 -- We see a sign that tells us how man kilometers it is to Las Vegas, New Mexico. New Mexico uses the metric system? Ofcoursetheydo.

Mile 1614.3 -- We pass a sign for " New Mexico Girls Ranch." We don't stop.

Mile 1631.9 -- Someone else's car appears to be exploding.

Mile 1649.0 -- 140 Miles to Roswell!

Mile 1659.4 -- Bessie declares that she can't wait to get the heck out of New Mexico.



Mile 1668.8 -- No Cell service on the road to Roswell. Jon blames the aliens.

Mile 1692.4 -- We drive through Vaughn.



It's Crazytown here.



They buy rocks and things in Vaughn!

Mile 1713.0 -- Jeff is bored. And driving.

Hi...that's a very dangerous combination.

Mile 1732.9 -- Still in the middle of nowhere.



It might be a little boring here.

Mile 1747.4 -- Only 40 miles to Roswell!

Mile 1750.3 -- We pass a sign for Billy the Kid's grave. We don't stop. Billy Joel fans everywhere scream in disappointment.

Mile 1755.2 -- The singing every song like Fred Schneider bit makes a comeback!

Mile 1766.9 -- Gay Boyfriend sing-a-long time!



Mile 1769.6 -- Friends become enemies.



Enemies friends.

Mile 1782.6 -- Welcome to Roswell, New Mexico! It's the Dairy Capitol of the Southwest!

Mile 1784.6 -- Larry's Discount Gun Shop!



For all of your discount gun needs!

Mile 1785.2 -- Lunchtime at the "Nuthin' Fancy" Cafe!



It's home cooking...without the mess! Or the taste!

Mile 1787.2 -- We're in Downtown Roswell.





Send help.

Munchkinland (formerly: The Land of (Dis)Enchantment)

I'm not gonna lie. The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was stop screaming. The second thing I did when I woke up this morning was wish I wasn't in Santa Fe.

It's not that we didn't wind up having a great time last night with the lovely loaves....It's just that it was an extraordinarily difficult ride to get there...and Santa Fe certainly did everything it could to prevent it from happening.

We missed the continental breakfast at the hotel (which ended at NINE AM...Because THAT's when people are awake and ready to go on an F'ing Saturday F'ing morning) so we once again found ourselves sans food. The woman at the front desk offered up some prepackaged blueberry muffins, but to hell with that. We needed real food. By the time we showered and dressed it was just after 11AM.

In the real world, we'd be able to find a place with no problem. However, we're in New Mexico. And like most other sequels, it sucks. Hard. We drove around looking for Hava Java, which, as Jon reported earlier, was a disaster.

In that very parking lot where the former Fotomat-turned-micro-coffee-house was, I asked the mailman if he could help us find a place for breakfast. "Breakfast? This late?" I nearly jumped out of my car and throttled him.

IT WAS ELEVEN OH F*CKING FOUR AM.

SERIOUSLY.

And I might have been a little hungry. Anyway, he told us that the Carl's Jr (a west coast fast food chain) stopped serving breakfast at 11, and he couldn't think of ANYplace that would serve breakfast at this ungodly hour.

My hatred for Santa Fe grew exponentially. Jon and I continued to drive down the road and decided that the only real chance we had for breakfast was to go back into the downtown area where everything was sure to be closed already since it was after 6:30AM but before 5PM.

Hi, why is everything only open for a half o'clock in Santa Fe?

Anyway, just as tensions were beginning to rise...up like a phoenix it arose. The sign I had so desperately looked for on our last road trip. The sign I grew up loving. The sign that California has none of. The sign that there is, indeed, a God--and that he has not forsaken us:


I couldn't believe it! A Dunkin' Donuts! AND it is open 24 hours a day/7 days a week. IN SANTA EFFING FE. Take that stupid lame Dippin' Donuts in Oregon!

Clearly we stopped. And clearly, my hatred of Santa Fe dwindled. But only a little.

Caution: HotCoffeeJoy!

Delicious CoffeeJoy!

After bloggin' and dunkin', we sped out of town as fast as we could...neglecting the need for gas. But that didn't matter. All that mattered was that we were out of Santa Fe--never to return!

And THEN we went to Roswell and achieved Maximum Craz-E-Ness.

SuperCrazyJazzyCrazy!

Suffice it to say, whatever was going on in Roswell distracted us enough that we're officially staying the night. You'll read all about Roswell next time on Carjoy--assuming I don't get my memories of Roswell wiped out while I'm asleep.

Also, I'm hoping there won't be any anal probes to speak of in the morning. Keep your fingers crossed!

Seriously Dude...Do you know the way OUT of Santa Fe?

The plan for this morning was: get up, have continental breakfast downstairs in the lobby of the Luxury Inn, get dressed, blog a little, and get the heck out of Santa Fe.

Did that happen?

Of course not.

Instead, I awoke at 9:30 am and called the front desk to make sure that they would be serving breakfast until 10 am...like a normal hotel.

I was told that breakfast was over at 9 am, but the verynice front desk clerk informed me that he would save me a muffin.

So I went downstairs and got a couple of blueberry muffins.

Jeff and I both knew that the muffins wouldn't be enough to sustain us until Roswell, so we decided to find somewhere we could eat breakfast and blog.

While Jeff was in the shower, I searched the internet for coffee houses that were on the way out of town. I found one called "Hava Java." It sounded perfect. It was right down the street from the College of Santa Fe, so it probably was a hipster coffee house that served vegan scones...or something.

I called the "Hava Java" to double check their internet capabilities. A boy answered the phone. I asked the Hava Java barista boy if their establishment had wireless internet.

His response was something like, "Well...only the third Wednesday of every other month...when my grandmother's left tit is working properly."

"Is today one of those days," I asked.

His response?

"Let me go get grandma. I think she's on the toilet."

It was at this point I heard grunting.

"Grandma," I asked, "Is that you? Is your internet working today?"

There was no audible response...except for more grunting.

I hung up.

Unforunately, Jeff had already emerged from the bathroom, heard the whole fiasco, and declared that we absolutely HAD to go to the "Hava Java."

So we went.

And...well...it turns out that "Hava Java" isn't so much a coffee house...



...as it is a coffee stand in the middle of a grocery store parking lot.


I f*cking hate Santa Fe.

Don't Ring That Bell!

A few years ago, when my sister Donna was moving to San Diego, she and her friend Nicole stopped in Santa Fe. They didn't enjoy it.

At one point, they were in a store and found a bell with a sign attached that read, "If you ring this bell, you'll come back to Santa Fe!" Nicole screamed, "DON'T RING THAT BELL!"

Yesterday, Jon and I discovered why.

After leaving (boring) Taos, we headed the two-ish hours towards Santa Fe. We were excited to be in Santa Fe for the night. We were lured with the promise of "things to do." We figured it was a Friday night in a decent-sized city. We're sure to find some stuff to do! Jon did a little research and found a write-up online about a gay bar called "The Drama Club," which is just hilarious on so many levels.

Once we arrived in town, we immediately checked into our Luxurious hotel and, having learned our lesson from before, we headed out for some food before we became too ravenous. Jon drove us into town and we noticed that many of the restaurants were closed. According to the AAA book, most places didn't open until 5:30 for dinner. How could this be? How could everything be closed in New Mexico ALL THE TIME??? In Taos, everything was closed by 9PM. In Santa Fe, everything was closed before 5:30PM. What sort of arbitrary, half-assed schedule are the people of New Mexico on? As we continued to quest to find a place to eat, Jon slowly but surely began to get more and more stabby. He began yelling at the cars in front of us to drive faster. He yelled at the buildings that were closed. He yelled at the shopping center we had to turn around in.

Eventually, we found a place that seemed open (in that its doors were open--no one was actually anywhere near the place) so Jon tried to find a place to park. It was around this time that he started hollering at the one-way streets for being one-way. Thankfully, we found a parking meter before he chewed my leg off.

When we got into the Burrito Company Cafe, Jon silently raged at the ridiculous tourist family in front of us. Once our food arrived, everyone calmed down and we were able to leave Stabbyville (Population: Jon) and Carjoy was no longer StarveJoy...or CarStab.

After enjoying the Georgia O'Keeffe museum, we wandered around the Plaza for about ten seconds before realizing we didn't want to be there anymore.

Ofcourseheis

We got back to the hotel where an e-mail was waiting for me from Lauren--a girl I worked with about eight years ago back east, when I was still working in radio. Turns out she is here in Santa Fe for a master's program, and wanted to hang out while we were in town. I called and invited her to the Drama Club, and she was totally up for it.

About ten minutes later, upon doing a little more research, we discovered that the Drama Club closed. Years ago. Ofcourseitdid. And, apparently, that was the last gay bar in town. "Well, to hell with that! We'll just grab dinner and drinks at a pub or something with Lauren and her friends!" Lauren and her friends were already out and having fun, so we decided to join her in progress. It was about 9PM and, unfortunately for us, that's over a billion o'clock in the New Mexico time zone. Every ten minutes or so, Lauren called to tell us that where ever they were, it was closing.

After showering and making a half a dozen phone calls to various places, we discovered that, between 9 and 10PM, everything in Santa Fe closes for the night. SERIOUSLY. EVEN THE BARS. ON A FRIDAY NIGHT. The front desk clerk at the Luxurious Hotel we were staying in suggested we eat at Denny's. No thanks.

As Jon and I made the rapid descent back into Stabbyville via the Starvation Highway, we drove back into the dreaded downtown area to try and meet up with Lauren before we got arrested on some sort of curfew violation for being outside after 7PM.

On our way to the "Oar House" (seriously) Jon and I stumbled upon a closed-looking mall with a sign that promised "Rooftop Pizza!" Since literally every other place we called had just closed, we thought it wasn't even worth a shot. Jon pressed the button for the elevator, but then we heard the sweet sounds of voices wafting down the stairway next to it. Could it be--PEOPLE? Real live people? Coming from what we presume must be the rooftop? Without waiting for the elevator, we ran upstairs to the Rooftop and discovered that Rooftop Pizza was, in fact, open.

Crowded it was not, but at least there was food and beverage to be had.

Friday night in downtown Santa Fe.

Starvation

SalvationJoy!

As soon as we were done eating, Lauren called again to tell us that the Oar House was closing. Ofcoursetheywere. We went outside to meet her and her friends, and they were making plans to go back to the dorms they were staying at for some random fun.

Jeff and LaurenJoy--Together again!

Dorms? Really? Jon and I initially weren't too keen on the idea of going to a dorm room and drinking booze as if we were 18, so we tried to kidnap Lauren to find somewhere else to hang out. Surely, Something, Somewhere had to be open. But her friend Katie somehow managed to convince us to go back to the dorms with them. I could already tell this girl was trouble.

Lauren and her other pal Taylor climbed into the Turquoise Bullet (our first Carjoy Guests!) and Taylor attempted to navigate us back to the college campus. At one point, she uttered the phrase, "Do you know where we are?"

Eventually, she got us to the campus and our Friday night in Santa Fe continued to get more and more random and ridiculous.

Wine and Balls. Who could ask for anything more?

Lauren and I caught up with each other and Taylor and Katie regaled Jon and I with stories of how they've been causing trouble all throughout their dorms for the three weeks or so that they've been in town--including one where Katie entered Taylor's dorm room carrying a sack full of burritos while wearing a Native American facemask. Their neighbor wasn't too happy. Apparently, everyone else has gone crazy from the lack of things to do in Santa Fe as well. Luckily, Jon and I get to leave today.

LaurenJoy and KatieTrouble

The night that started off pretty much as a disaster ended up being wine-and-hilarity filled, thanks to Lauren and her breadloafy friends.

Red wine + White wine = TipsyFun!

Jon's Version of Stonehenge

LaurenJoy, Carjoy's Jeff, KatieTrouble and TaylorFun!

Thanks for the DormJoy, ladies! Good luck with the rest of your time in Santa Fe. Seriously. You're gonna need it. And whatever you do--DON'T RING THAT BELL!

Do You Know The Way...OUT of Santa Fe?

It's very late.

I might be a little tired.

It's been a very long day.

We were in Taos this morning, where we had breakfast at El Taoseno Restaurant & Lounge. It was moderately delicious.

Jeff thought we should do something in Taos. So he asked our waitress what there was to do in Taos. She told him that we should check out the Indian Casino.

We didn't.

Instead, we drove to about 76 miles to Santa Fe.

We had heard that Santa Fe was wondrous! It was supposed to be very arty, funky, and fun.

It wasn't. At least not at first.

After checking into the Luxury Inn (which is very luxurious, fyi), we headed into town to eat and check out the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum.

I was in the driver's seat...which wasn't the best idea...because apparently I'm a bear when I'm hungry. And not the cute, cuddly Teddy Ruxpin variety. I'm more of the angry kind. Seriously. I was raging at everything. Drivers, pedestrians, one way streets. It might have been a bit of a disastrophe.

Eventually, we found parking. And food. We even went to the Georgia O'Keeffe museum...which is probably going to turn out to be our one high-class cultural moment of the entire road trip (with the exception of the International Tuba Convention).





After wandering the streets of downtown Santa Fe, Jeff and I checked out the local Target to buy new shorts (we might have ruined a couple of pairs in the Great Sand Dunes of Colorado).

At this point, it was nighttime. We were going to go take showers at the hotel, eat dinner somewhere, and then check out Santa Fe's finest gay bar...the Drama Club. We were also going to meet up with Lauren, Jeff's former coworker, at some point in the night. We were hoping to convince her to join us at the Drama Club.

I mean...who wouldn't want to hang out at a gay bar called the Drama Club?

I had done a little internet research and discovered that the Drama Club was THE place to go in Santa Fe if you were gay...and wanted to be outrageous.

Here's the thing about the Drama Club...

The Drama Club closed years ago. And nothing replaced it.

That's right.

There are no gay bars in Santa Fe, even though "they" claim that Santa Fe is 10 to 20 percent gay.

Not that we needed to go to a gay bar (Jeff and I may be gay...but we are not GIANT homos), so it was time for a little regrouping.

Luckily, Jeff and I were still in the process of getting ready at our lovely accommodations at the Luxury Inn.

We decided to find some local restaurant...that was open late...where we could meet up with Lauren for a couple of drinks...and dinner.

It turns out that Santa Fe closes at 10 pm. Just like Taos.

So we were F***ed in the A**.

I called the front desk to see if they had any thoughts on a late night eatery/pub.

Their suggestion?

DENNY'S!

So...after trading about 35 phone calls with Lauren, Jeff and I decided that we would just head into town. We were bound to find something open. Right?

After getting lost somewhere near the local Albertson's....we ended up back in historic downtown Santa Fe.

It was after 10pm.

And there was no food in sight.

Wandering ensued.

BUT...the starvation ended when we discovered Rooftop Pizza...which was open until 11 pm. And there was wine.



The pizza was delicious. And the wine made the badness go away...except for the fact that we were stuck in Santa Fe...with nothing to do but make googly eyes at our moderately attractive waiter...who informed us that most places close early...because it is practically impossible to get a full liquor license in New Mexico...unless you have 300 grand to spare.

The pizza/wine binge ended.

It was at that point that we finally met up with Lauren...on the streets of Santa Fe.

Why? Because the pub where she was hanging with her friends closed. At 11:15 pm.

It turns out that Lauren is spending six weeks in the "city," because she is enrolled in the very prestigious Bread Loaf School of English...which is a graduate program...based at Middlebury College in Vermont...but includes satellite campuses all over the country...including one in Sante Fe, New Mexico.

Lauren and her Bread Loaf friends (Taylor, Katie, and company) seemed VERY nice. They even knew my high school roommate, Joe Freeman, who graduated from the program last year.

Hi...crazy small world!

Anyway...somehow...Lauren and friends convinced us to go back to campus with them.

Campus is located at St. John's College. In the hills of Santa Fe.

Hilarity and wine consumption ensued.







And now I'm exhausted.

But happy.

Because the hills of Santa Fe are alive.

Alive with the sound of...

Carjoy?

Crispy Chickenfun?

Juicy YumJoy?

OK. Clearly I've got to go to bed.

Night night!


(Yes...older sister Ru and the folks at Bread Loaf...I'm well aware of the fact that there are a thousand grammatical errors in this posting...including my abuse of ellipses...but it's late. I'm tired. And I'm stuck in Santa Fe. I'll try to fix them tomorrow. Maybe.)

The Statues Made us Die

It's a billion o'clock, and we're in Santa Fe, New Mexico, where we were attacked by giant birds!

Luckily, a hunter rescued us from the birds! But then he shot us in the face and now we're dead. Again.

We'll update you on Saturday.

Day Six: Taos, NM to Santa Fe, NM

Mile 1482.7 -- Jon loses the keys to the Turquoise Bullet immediately after unlocking the door. (Hi, they're in the door still.)

Mile 1482.75 -- We're in traffic. In Taos.

Mile 1486.1 -- Jon discovers Great Sand Dune deposits in his gum--the was still in the wrapper.

Mile 1488.4 -- 63 Miles to Santa Fe!

Mile 1512.8 -- Caution: Mountain Poop ahead.




Mile 1519.2 -- Attack of the Tumbleweeds. Hi, one almost hit the Turquoise Bullet.

Mile 1523.2 -- Jon's going to Comedy Jail. I don't think I have to tell you why:


Mile 1528.7 They have a Water Store here. Because that's what you need.

Mile 1529.6 -- We see Osama Bin Laden coming out of the Oasis Cyber Cafe. We don't stop.

Mile 1535.3 -- Jon talks about sex, baby.

Mile 1540.3 -- We can't spell anything around here.


Mile 1548.7 -- As we approach Santa Fe, it begins to rain. Of course it does.

Mile 1551.9 -- We accidentally get off the freeway. Somewhere.

Mile 1552.6 -- Back on track!

Mile 1555.2 -- Our first gay sighting!


Mile 1557.9 - Luxury Inn in Santa Fe!!!

Sand in Our VaJayJays

Greetings from Taos, New Mexico! Someone at my office described Taos as being "New Agey, with a hint of Musical Theater." I'd be more likely to describe it as "closed" due to the fact that when we got here last night at 9PM, everything except the Sonic Burger was pretty much done for the night...even the Chow Cart!

Yesterday we made the long 350+ mile trip from Denver after eating breakfast with Aunt Susie. After being in the car for a long, long while, Jon and I began to starve to death. Again. As Jon pointed out to me last night, as soon as we start talking about food, we should stop. But we didn't. Instead we kept driving. And driving. Six hours after breakfast, we still hadn't eaten a real meal. We stopped in South Park and bought some Fiddle Faddle, but after losing most of it to Jon's crotch (giving their slogan "Grab a Handful of Fun" a whole new meaning) we began the long, slow descent into dementia.

We hit the Alligator farm just to spite Cowboy Wes, and had to stop ourselves from eating the reptiles, who were busy trying to eat us. Eventually, we found our way to the Lounge restaurant/gift shop right by the Great Sand Dunes in Colorado.

Bumbie's Mom! WAHHHH!!

Afterwards, we explored the Great Sand Dunes! Apparently, wind carries dust and sand here...and just leaves it, giving it the appearance of a gigantic, hilly beach with no water...which, I suppose, is essentially a desert.

Sandylicious AND Hillylicious!

As we were entering the Dune area, we saw a small child place a sled by a dumpster as he and his family went back to their car. Obviously, with no other choice, Jon picked it up so he could slide down some of the sandy hills...and, since I had a camera, I wasn't going to stop him. Once we went up a few steep hills (my fattiness, combined with the thin air at that altitude made for a slower journey than Jon would have liked, I'm sure...) Jon tried to slide down, using the sled...

Sledjoy!

DunesBuried!

Sandyhead!

...which was about as effective as naming your restaurant "Grimo's." The ensuing hilarity is captured on video and will be posted as soon as humanly possible. While there wasn't really much to do at the Dunes, other than climb hills and pass out, the photos were pretty incredible.

JonJoy and JeffTired

Hi, there's nothing here.

Dunesbits!

YumShadows!

Afterwards, Jon and I made it to Taos and passed out after the people in the room downstairs banged on the ceiling. Apparently, we were making too much noise as we tried to blog the night away.

StupidTaos. Now, we're off to Santa Fe, where more hilarity promises to ensue. Also, I promise my next entry won't be so boring. Go read Jon's if you want something funny.

Juicy Gatorjoy!

Jeff and I were having such a wonderful time in Denver that we didn't want to leave...but we had to...because New Mexico was calling our name...or something.

Aunt Susan, Uncle Larry, Cousin Hannah, and Cousin Carrie -- Thanks again for being the best relatives ever!

So...after a lovely breakfast with Aunt Susie...Jeff and I hit the road, going south toward New Mexico. Thanks to Uncle Larry, we had a couple of places to check out along the way.

Including the Colorado Gator Farm...which was ridiculous.













All of the caution signs made me a bit uneasy...but Jeff and I had a coupon...so we had to go in.





After paying some nice old lady 16 dollars, Jeff and I walked into a giant room filled with snakes and tiny baby alligators. There were also three kids between the ages of eleven and fifteen that were working the front of the room.

A father/daughter pair stood ahead of us in line.

The fifteen year old boy/Gator Farm Employee tried to get the girl to hold a baby alligator.

She wouldn't.

Her father tried to push her to at least touch it.

Screaming, whining, and psychological damage ensued.

Eventually, the father gave up.

And then, it was our turn.

I wasn't too keen on the idea of holding an alligator in my bare hands...but I wasn't going to let myself turn into a screaming twelve year old girl.

At least not this time.

So I put on my happy face on and held the alligator.



So did Jeff.



And we got certificates for our bravery...



...which were notarized by the baby alligator.



The Gator Farm also features a variety of other exotic animals, including giant snakes.



Slightly smaller snakes.



Two African Grey Parrots...



...that acted like Albert's genetically inferior nephews.



A stray kitty.



And a giant turtle that moves faster than Jeff.



Did I mention the gators?



There were a lot of them.



And they seemed a little hungry.



After checking out the gators, we walked into another barn-like structure that was filled with giant tanks of fish.



It turns out that the Gator Farm originally started out as a Tilapia farm. The owners bought a couple of gators to eat the unusable fish, but before long...people started coming out to the farm...in the middle of nowhere Colorado...just to see the gators.

Hence, GatorFarm.com


The gators were very scary.

But you wanna know what is scarier?



A hungry ostrich.



Seriously.



I didn't care for the bird at all.



It might have been a little snappy.



And not in a good way.



The emu was a little nicer.



But only a little.

Dead By Morning: A Photo Essay

Sorry there isn't a bigger post tonight. . .but Jon and I got lost in the desert, and are presumed dead.

SadHelpUsSad

...or we're in Taos, NM and we'll post tomorrow.

Only time will tell!

Best. Dogbreath. Ever.

Over the past few days, Jon and I have reported on many important events surrounding the animals at Aunt Susie's house. (Not us, you fools. Their pets!)

But none of those can possibly prepare you for this. Carjoy's cameras were lucky enough to catch Aunt Susie perfoming a nightly ritual with her dog, Ki.

Carjoy Pictures is proud to present "Brushy Brushy" starring Aunt Susie as herself, and Ki as "The Dog."



Thanks to Aunt Susie for letting us post this! And thanks to Uncle Larry, Hannah and Carrie for helping us trick Aunt Susie into letting us take video of it in the first place.

And thanks to the entire Robbins family for welcoming me into their home, and treating me like family.

Day Five : Denver, CO to Taos, NM

Mile 1104.8 -- Bye Denver! Bye Aunt Susan! Bye Uncle Larry! Bye Cousin Carrie! Bye Cousin Hannah! Bye Albert! Bye Jinx! Bye Ki!



Thanks again for everything!

Mile 1106.3 -- Gas Station Stop. Gas is only $2.879 here. Hi...somehow that is cheap.

Mile 1108.8 -- We drive by "Most Precious Blood Catholic Church." We don't stop.

Mile 1127.5 -- Jon totally misses taking the picture of the "Tiny Town" sign. It was VERY small!

Mile 1134.0 -- Syphie enjoys the gorgeous view of the Rockies.



Mile 1135.5 -- What exactly is "Loaf-N-Jug?"



And why aren't we stopping?

Mile 1135.6 -- Boo! Road Work again!

Mile 1137.8 -- We're F-ed! The road we need to be on is closed and now we are on a detour. Ugh.

Mile 1138.6 -- Yay! Back on Track...except that the right lane is closed. Again.

Mile 1147.7 -- Why is there a stoplight in the middle of the highway? Clearly...we are taking the "scenic" route.

Mile 1159.9 -- Is that Jesus...up there on that hill?



No! It's Santa Maria!

Mile 1166.2 -- Ahhhh! Rain! At least Jeff's windshield wipers are working this year.

Mile 1170.8 -- Jollibee enjoys the view.



Mile 1181.6 -- We're in South Park!



There is nothing here.

Mile 1188.2 -- We spot the first two houses in South Park.

And then...more nothing.

Mile 1188.9 -- We're finally in South Park proper, yo!



Mile 1189.3 -- Potty break in South Park. Followed by Fiddle Faddle disaster.



Mile 1233.4 -- "Counting Blue Cars" plays on the iPod. Jeff points out that his car is blue. Jon dies a little...on the inside.

Mile 1233.9 -- Jeff makes a valiant attempt to pass a giant tractor-trailer. Both Jeff and Jon decide that they hate one lane highways.

Mile 1245.5 -- We pass a restaurant that advertises "very AUTHENTIC Thai Food" in Poncha Springs. We don't stop.

Mile 1245.8 -- We finally find a place that is scarier than Pork Barrel. "GRIMO'S." Jeff decides that their slogan should be: "Someone Pooped In It."

Mile 1249.7 -- We almost die. Again.

Mile 1282.2 -- Hi...we are in the middle of nowhere. And hungry. Again.

Mile 1285.2 -- Jeff reasons that we should go to Crestone to eat. Crestone is a weird hippie town Uncle Larry told us about. Hopefully, this town has hippies that eat.

Mile 1292.7 -- It's raining in Crestone...but we still haven't found food.

Mile 1293.7 -- An actual tumbleweed rolls in front of the car. Seriously. We are going to die here.

Mile 1296.3 -- We pass a sign that declares that Crestone is a "No Shooting Area." What a relief!

Mile 1297.5 -- We finally find the one restaurant in Crestone. "The Desert Sage Restaurant."



And guess what?



It's closed.

Ofcourseitis.

Mile 1297.9 -- Giving up the search in Crestone. Off to find food...in the Sand Dunes.

Mile 1307.9 -- Jon is so hungry that he has been reduced to suckling Bessie for sustenance.



Mile 1309.7 -- Back on Track. Worst. Sidetrack. Ever.

Mile 1323.9 -- We pass by a "UFO Watchtower." We don't stop.

Mile 1329.7 -- Gators!



Mile 1330.9 -- Jeff and Jon are so hungry they resort to eating Mentos Sours.

Mile 1352.2 -- Hi...this is the end. God hates the homos and so we are going to starve to death.

Mile 1352.6 -- Real food at the Great Sand Dunes Oasis!



Maybe God doesn't hate us after all.

Mile 1356.9 -- Great Sand Dune Fun!



Mile 1378.9 -- It's a rainbow!



God loves the Gays!

Mile 1382.5 -- We're in Blanca!



Paid for by Blanca Olar, Treasurer.

Mile 1387.6 -- Only 78 more miles to Taos!

Mile 1420.9 -- We're in New Mexico!



Jeff and Jon are VERY enchanted.

Mile 1439.1 -- As we drive through Qwesta, Jeff announces that he hopes we find the "Trutha" here. Jon hope to find Jeff a ball-gag-a here.

Mile 1464.9 -- We're in Historic Taos. It's very cute. And historic!

Mile 1469.1 -- We check in at Taos Budget Host Inn.



It's very fancy here.



Their toilets are sanitary for our protection!

It's International!

Today was our last full day in Denver. Sad for us, but the Robbins family pets will likely heave a collective sigh of relief. To start the day, Carrie took Jon and I for a walk. Well, I suppose technically she was taking Ki for a walk, but she probably should have kept both of us on a leash as well.

PuppyJoy!

As a reward for Ki's good behavior on the walk, we took her to the Three Dog Bakery: The Bakery for Dogs!

DoggieBee!

Ki got some yummy treats, but Jon and I were not rewarded. (Although we did sneak some peanut butter dog biscuits when we got home. They were a little dry.) After snack-time, Carrie had to rush off to a French horn lesson, so Jon and I accompanied (stalked) her to the Denver University campus. While she was in class, Jon and I dined at "Mustard's Last Stand," a hot dog joint located right smack in the middle of Comedy Jail.

HotDogShow!

They also had the best poster I have ever seen:

Elevated YumMeat!

After lunch, we wandered the campus a bit and headed back to Carrie's music building, where the International Tuba Convention was being held. Keep in mind, this isn't just your typical workaday run-of-the-mill local tuba convention. It's International!!! Six Hundred Tuba players from all across the globe all converged in one convenient location!

Blowfun!

Carrie was kind enough to show us around to the various exhibits... Some of whom had t-shirts for sale, hilariously depicting the Evolution of Man, with a representative from each stage of mankind holding a different brass instrument-eventually standing upright with a tuba! Did I mention it's an international Tuba Convention?

InternationalFunJoy!

Simply incredible. There was also a gentleman on the elevator with us standing facing the corner, blowing into a mouthpiece. (Please be aware, there was no tuba, international or otherwise, attached.) After withstanding more than our share of dirty looks from the tuba-ists (partly for taking a few photos, but mostly for not being "with the tuba.") we made a swift exit.
When we got back to Susan and Larry's place, we discovered Bessie the Cow and Syphie had been feeling neglected, and decided to wreak some havoc on their own.

BadSyphie!

UdderlySad

As you can see, while Syphie succeeded in annoying Jinx, Bessie the Cow was unceremoniously attacked. (She might have deserved it.) Once we cleaned the feathers up (again), Larry and Carrie took Jon and I to the Bodyworks 2 exhibit. (See Jon's post!). After the exhibit, the animal kingdom decided to exact their revenge on us, and Jon and I were mauled & eaten by wolves. Right outside of the Museum! Honest!!

BloodyJeffSad

JonDriver looking on in abject horror as he tries to fight Wolfburger off with his own legsad.

See you tomorrow! We're going to New Mexico!

GayGay China

I just got the following email from Ellen (aka: Mama Ru 2 of Emancipation Vacation fame...who is now living in China):

From: Ellen W.
To: Jon
Date: Jun 28, 2006 8:13 PM
Subject: RE: Road Trip Blog 2006!

Just to let you know your blog is not available in China. I will take a guess that you used some naughty words.

Hi...we're officially cool now.

We're BANNED in China...are YOU?

LA isn't the only place that plastic people live!

Tonight, Uncle Larry took Cousin Carrie, Jeff, and I to go see the "Body Worlds 2" exhibit at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science....which is this amazing anatomy exhibit where a supercreepy German doctor has taken bodies and made them plastic. It was fantastic.




That's a real human being...only plasticized.



I'm gonna have nightmares tonight.



And they are not going to be pretty.

Rocky Mountain Hi-larity

Here's the thing...

I apparently don't do well at high altitudes. The last time I was in Denver (about ten years ago)...I had problems.

And now...I'm having problems again.

I might be a little lightheaded, spacey, and headache-y.

In other words, I'm in no shape to blog.

But before I retire...I want to share an adventure Jeff and I had with the cousins last night.

We took the sweetest dog in the world (Ki Robbins) on a walk around the neighborhood and came across a lookout point in the park.

It was very pretty.





It was a beautiful moment for us all...until I "discovered" the sundial.



And then...I experienced the worst form of peer pressure known to mankind: "cousin pressure."

They told me that I needed to climb the sundial.

And so I did.



Hilarity ensued.





And then, we tried to get Jeff to do the same...but he acted like a blushing bride...and would barely touch the thing.



But I suspect that deep down...in the dark recesses of his heart...



...Jeff enjoyed the sundial a little TOO much.

The Boy Who Peed On Aunt Susan’s Clean Kitchen Floor Feels Old

Once upon a time...I hated to wear clothes.

I loved to feel the cool ocean breeze against my naked body.

I was about eighteen months old.

And we were spending a few weeks in Nantucket.

My family was living in one little beach cottage. And my uncle (Larry) and my future-aunt-to-be (Susan) were staying in a place right next to ours.

Susan was disgusted by the state of the kitchen floor as soon as she arrived…so she got out a mop and bucket…and scrubbed the floor until it was sparkling clean.

Just as the floor finished drying, I wandered in.

Naked.

And peed all over Susan's clean kitchen floor.

Needless to say, my future-aunt-to-be didn't think this was cute.

And so, I became that boy that peed on Aunt Susan’s clean kitchen floor.


My Aunt and Uncle have lived in Denver pretty much my entire life...so I didn't get to see them that much growing up. Only once...maybe twice a year.

But when I did, my Aunt would always remark on how much I'd grown and how she couldn't believe that this giant was the boy that peed on her clean kitchen floor.

I didn't truly understand why my Aunt focused on this incident so much…until today...when my cousin Hannah drove us around Denver.

The very idea that Hannie-Bananie drives is too much for my brain to handle.

And even though I spent all day today with the practically-an-adult Hannah...whenever I think of Hannah I will always think of this...



And try not to think about this...



Because if I do...I’ll end up feeling as old as Jessica Tandy at the end of "Driving Miss Daisy."

And I'm just not ready for that.

Someone pooped in it....Part Two!

I'm just dropping a line to let everyone know that Jon might have stopped up the toilet at Susan and Larry's house.

ofcoursehedid. . .

Guess it's time for Plungerjoy.

oknite

Which Ones are the Animals?

After driving over a thousand miles in two days, Jon and I are spending some quality time in Denver with his family.

We took a brief tour of downtown Denver, where music literally rises from the sidewalks. As we were walking around, someone was playing music underground--possibly in the sewer system--and the dulcet tones emanated from the grates in the cement. Not a bad day.

We also came across a bar that apparently offers deep, philosphical questions to its patrons:


Why indeed?

After getting back to the house, Jon and I decided that we were going to hang out with the family pets for a while...unfortunately for them. Jon watched as Hannah let their cockatiel Jinx perch on her finger, and decided to do the same--with somewhat mixed results.



Then we tried to play with Albert, the ornery parrot. When he's not tormenting the dog and throwing his food-pellets around, Albert often likes to bow his head to entice you to pet him. Then his eyes dilate and he tries to bite you. Little bastard. When he's not trying to hurt you, he will dance. Apparently, however, he will not do so when a camera is on him:



Jon and his cousins are now apparently having some sort of impromptu costume party. . .

Costumejoy!

CrazyfunYum!

Frontin' Cousins

CousinDogHatJoy

...so I'm going to join the fray! See ya!

Blamred

ofcoursehedid

We're in Denver for the next day or two...having a wonderful time with Aunt Susan, Uncle Larry, and the cousins (Hannah and Carrie).

Since I still want to be talking to my family at the end of this trip/blog, I am going to refrain from posting today.

At least for now.

Instead, please enjoy this bit of radiojoy (brought to you by Ventura County's finest DJ, Adam "Gurl" Bookbinder):

"Radiojoy" - by Adam Bookbinder

100 Grand

The second day of Road Trip was pretty low-key. Jon and I woke up insanely early (Hi, 7:30AM Mountain time, which is 6:30AM in real life...) so that we would be able to get to his Aunt & Uncle's place in Denver before a hundred o'clock.

We groggily made our way across the parking lot back to the Garden of Eat'n, which is much better suited for breakfast than for any other meal of the day. Our waitress, Shirls, took amazing care of us.

Afterwards, we drove. And drove. And drove some more. Luckily, today's venture started off much better than yesterday's for my poor car. And today, we celebrated a milestone--the Turquoise Bullet's odometer hit 100,000 miles!

Milesjoy!

After one cross-country trip to move out here in '99, and hundreds of mini-road trips (and of course, RoadTripVolume1), my car has proven to be quite the trooper. Here's to 100,000 more! (Or at least the 1500 miles or so it'll take to get us back to Los Angeles over the next week and some-odd days...)

We hit 100,000 miles while viewing the "impossible rock formations" somewhere in Utah. We were pretty high up, and it was quite breathtaking.

CrunchyMountainTall!

While I was actually in complete awe of some of these spectacular sights, Jon was busy being dirty, and somehow convincing me that I should be gross as well. I refuse to even talk about it...even though he's in the other room blogging about it right now, the mofo.

So if you could simply ignore his post, and any images in it, that'd be great. Thanks. GO, TEAM JEFFJOY!!!

After the rock trauma, we got back to the freeway and decided that we'd stop for food soon. Unfortunately, there was no food of any sorts to be found anywhere in the rest of Utah. Each exit was plagued with signs that read, "No Service!"

With starvation looming, we reached the Utah/Colorado border! Salvation at last! Surely, the people in Colorado need to eat!

HappyColorStatePlease

Unfortunately, I was lapsing into a coma from malnutrition, so I could barely even make out shapes, let alone color. . .

StarvationSad (Artistjoy's renderingfun of Jeff's initial view of Coloradoyay!)

Needless to say--we had to find food. Quickly. The first exit in Colorado not saddled with a "No Services" sign was for a town called Mack. We saw the tell-tale blue roadsign with a knife and fork indicating that food was mere inches away! We got off the 70 and headed into Mack, which seemed pretty much deserted aside from some sort of newly built Children-of-the-Corn-type of community, and some empty fairgrounds.

After driving a few blocks, we stumbled across the legendary Pork Barrel Cafe. It was barely noticeable on the road, as I was temporarily blinded by Matt Smith's reelection campaign poster.

Yumporkbarrel!

FoodJoy at last!!! Jon, however, SCREAMED that he was ABSOLUTELY NOT eating at the Pork Barrel Cafe. I couldn't understand what the issue was. Anyplace that serves Coke has to be ok, right? The place looked friendly and warm, and I could just imagine an elderly woman inside, ready to serve us some apple pie with a side dish of smiles and kind words. This was just the kind of place we needed after a long day fighting with nature's giant rocks. (IE: The Mountains.)

PorkFunBarrelYum!

Well...at least it looked pleasant to my hungry eyes. (No, that is not permission to start singing the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.) But Jon was having none of it, and there seemed to be nothing else in this Godforsaken town, so we drove off pretty quickly--fueled only by Jon's squealed protests against the Pork Barrel Cafe, and all it stands for. He seemed pretty confident that we'd end up dead if we tried to eat there. Upon further inspection of the photo above, I actually don't disagree with him on this one.

We drove down the 70 a few more miles before stumbling upon a rest area with a restaurant called "Starvin' Arvin's." Needless to say, we ate well...but not as well as we did when we arrived in Denver tonight. When we got to Jon's Aunt Susan & Uncle Larry's place, Susan had a lovely meal prepared for us. Jon's cousins Hannah and Carrie joined us for some relaxation as Jon and I ate our faces off.

The food was delicious, and Susan & Larry couldn't be better hosts. There aren't any creepy (but ultimately verynice) dolls in the bedroom like last year's road trip. The only doll in there seems to be an African American Raggedy Ann doll, and I don't really see it as a threat...so I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. Starting riiiiiiiiiightnow.

oknite

The Balanced Rock Incident

Today’s plan was to go all the way from Beaver, Utah to Denver, Colorado. According to MapQuest, it was almost an eight hour journey.

Long trip, right?

I wanted to get to Denver in time for dinner with Aunt Susan, Cousin Hannah, and Cousin Carrie...BUT I didn’t want to drive all the way across Utah without checking out at least one National Park (because my parents and Ruth Fertig would be very mad at me).

So the plan was to wake up early. Dine at the Garden of Eat’n again. And then halfway between Beaver and Denver...stop off at Arches National Park to check out the “impossible” rock formations.

And that’s what we did.

But here’s the thing about Arches National Park’s “impossible” rock formations…when they don’t look like this:



They look like this:



Since I am my father’s son (and since I also have the sense of humor of a twelve year old boy), I made Jeff take a picture of me lying in front of the “Balanced Rock” formation.



Hilarious, right?

There were people around and it took a bit of coaxing on my part to get Jeff to take my picture in such a compromising position in a national park...but I still got him to do it.

And then…I made Jeff do the same thing.

And even though he complained about it the entire time, Jeff’s picture turned out a hundred times better than mine...because of his genius improv to position his hand just so.




Why would Jeff do something like that? Especially when he was acting like a demure debutante?

Because he “wanted to sell it.” (Those are his words…not mine.)


We also took some normal pictures of us in front of the Balanced Rock “for the kids”...





...but I prefer the ones of us lying down.

Day Two : Beaver, UT to Denver, CO

Mile 495.6 -- Jon takes the wheel. Bye Beaver! We'll miss you just a little.

Mile 508.8 -- We're’ now at 6600 feet. Ahhhhhh!

Mile 513.9 -- First sign for Denver!

Mile 515.8 -- We're off the 15 for the first time in a thousand miles (or 400)!

Mile 518.4 -- Hi, we're 507 miles away from Denver -- Home of the Poop-Free Pools!

Mile 520.9 -- Chapstick O'Clock. Hi, we're bored. And we still have more than 500 miles until Denver o'clock.


Mile 523.1 -- 7380 feet! It's very nice up here!


Mile 524.9 -- Giant truck nearly kills us. First official near-death experience of Carjoy (after the Jollibee incident).

Mile 534.8 -- It's very scenic!


Mile 540.0 -- Jeff becomes delusional and contemplates being a farmer to "become one with the earth," until Jon gently reminds him that he hates nature.

Mile 550.1 -- Hi...it smells like fertilizer. Someone pooped in Utah. Of course they did.

Mile 553.6 -- "End of Road Work. Thank you!"

Mile 564.6 -- Rogue pebble attacks Turquoisee Bullet at 75 mph. Bullet escapes unscathed.

Mile 572.1 -- Gas break...because the next one isn't for 110 miles, where Jeff and Jon ride a virtual roller coaster...for free!


It was still a rip-off.

Mile 575.2 -- Are we lost? We seem to be entering a National Forrest that we already entered once before...

Mile 578.3 -- Gooseberry Road! (No Services!)


We confirm that we are NOT going the wrong way, based on the fact that we would have remembered a sign for "Gooseberry."

Mile 590.6 -- Frequent Deer and Elk Crossing for the next 12 miles. Please be aware!

Mile 596.1 -- Jon sees a "Slippery When Wet Sign" and remarks "What a great name for a rock album!"

Jeff hates it here.

Mile 603.5 -- Utah smells like fertilizer for the second time. And there's a dead deer. Boo!

Mile 607.0 -- 413 miles until Denver! 67 miles to Green River!

For those of your following along at home...that means that it's only 120 miles until the Turquoise Bullet hits 100,000 miles!!!

Mile 646.2 -- Miscellaneous debris flies out of the Bullet and into Utah.

Mile 651.7 -- Jeff's hand smooshes into bugs at 80 mph. Ouch!

Mile 668.2 -- It's Noon...and suddenly it's 80,000 degrees out. The A/C is on and Jeff realizes that he is half deaf from the wind rushing pass his ears.

Mile 671.6 -- Jon says, "Everything is very expensive in Price...because it's Price-y." He is sentence to comedy jail.


He appeals...and is denied. Jeff is suddenly sad that he is only half-deaf.

Mile 676.0 -- Stoppage in Green River for another potty break.

Jeff and Jon trade places...so Jeff can be at the wheel when theTurquoisee Bullet crosses 100,000 miles.

Mile 676.1 -- Snacktime! Jeff and Syphie enjoy Fiddle Faddle on the road.


Mile 676.5 -- Bessie chokes down a pack of Mentos Sours.


Mile 679.4 -- It's official. "Someone pooped in the pool" is the best bit ever.

Mile 692.9 -- Why is there so much construction on a highway that four people drive on?

Mile 697.5 -- We're departing Route 70 for Arches National Park!

Mile 704.5 -- We're at a dead stop, everyone. More stupid road construction.

Mile 719.5 -- Where the F*CK are the stupid arches???

Mile 722.6 -- Only 6 more miles until the Turquoise Bullet explodes!

Mile 724.2 -- We're finally at the Arches National Park! Jeff and Jon both do an All in the Family bit.


Mile 729.3 -- WOooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOO! TheTurquoisee Bullet reaches 100,000 miles.


Surprisingly, it doesn't blow up.

Mile 734.3 -- "Incident at Balanced Rock" occurs.

Mile 740.2 -- WoOOooOoO! Pretty Pretty Arches!

Mile 754.0 -- Bye Arches! That was totally worth the detour! Seriously.

Mile 770.2 -- We're at a dead stop. Again.

And we have no more Fiddle Faddle to comfort us.

Mile 777.7 -- Hi...we're at 777.7!

Mile 799.6 -- For the second day in a row, Sister Ru's Yan Yan Snack Treat that she bought us a road trip gift saves us from eating each other.

Mile 805.5 -- 45 miles to Fruita! Somehow, this offends Jeff.

Mile 817.8 -- Jon is over the whole "No Services" exits on Route 70...while Jeff wonders if the bucket of Chickenjoy has magically refilled itself.

It hasn't.

Mile 822.5 -- Exit 227! No Jackee Harry! And no services! Worst. Exit. Ever.

Mile 827.4 -- Welcome to Colorful Colorado! Fancy!

Mile 828.9 -- Exit sign for Rabbit Valley and the "Trail Through Time." Still no Services. Like Poison!

Mile 838.3 -- We're in Mack...looking for food. It doesn't look good.

Mile 839.5 -- Still in Mack. The "Pork Barrel" incident occurs. Jon announces that he is keeping Kosher until the next exit.

Mile 840.9 -- We give up the search for food in Mack. Stupid Mack. Apparently, no one in Western Colorado eats.

Mile 839.2 -- We stop in Fruita. And eat at "Starvin' Arvin's." Ofcoursewedo.


There was a dinosaur head inside the restaurant. Ofcoursetherewas.


Mile 839.3 -- Back on the road! Jon is back in the driver's seat!

Mile 853.1 -- "Extreme Fire Danger!" Apparently, they heard we were coming.

Mile 867.3 -- Hi, Rockies!

Mile 879.1 -- Dam! (Alas, no DAMBURGER.)

Mile 879.7 -- Hi...we're in the mountain! Weeeaaaaaooooo!


Mile 922.2 -- Jeff wakes up from a nap...just as we drive past a sign for Garfield city. Jon declares, "Thank God it's not Heathcliff. I hate that cat!" Jeff returns to unconsciousness.

Mile 926.7 -- "Welcome to Silt." Home of the "Kum-N-Go." We don't stop.


Mile 947.2 -- No Name!


Mile 1000.0 -- 1000 miles! 100 miles to Denver!

Mile 1001.4 -- We're in Vail! At 8150 feet!

Mile 1003.6 -- Jon gets *clack, clack* juice on the rear view mirror.

Mile 1012.5 -- Hi...my ears are popping! Ahhhh!

Mile 1013.8 -- Both iPods are officially dead. What are we going to do now? Talk???

Mile 1014.0 -- Jeff and Jon discover that all radio stations suck here. Jeff and Jon are forced to make small talk. Will they live to tell the tale?

Mile 1024.0 -- Jeff wonders why it's so cold here in the mountains, somehow reasoning they should be warmer because "they're closer to the sun. . ." Jon declares him an idiot.

Mile 1024.1 -- They try the radio again. Thank goodness for Crystal 93!

Mile 1057.2 -- Stop in Georgetown at the Visitor's Center. Jeff and Jon are verybusy for a second.

Mile 1063.4 -- Jon starts FRONTIN'! Jeff decides that he is only going to talk to Jollibee for the rest of the trip.

Mile 1090.6 -- We're in Denver! 20 minutes to Aunt Susan and Uncle Larry's house!

Mile 1104.8 -- Hi...we're here! Jon is immediately forced to call Momma Ru to confirm his arrival.

Three Diamonds up the Pooper!

FYI: AAA gave Best Western - Paradise Inn -- THREE DIAMONDS!



Beck's Motor Lodge (aka: Gay Sex Motel from last year's road trip incident) only got TWO diamonds!

BeaverJoy (or: Utah is Full of Crap)

It's finally here! The 2006 Road Trip--Carjoy! Once we finished our nutritious Crispylicious/Juicyliciuos breakfast of Chickenjoy at Jollibee, Bookie headed off to work and Jon and I piled into the car for Carjoy!

I smiled, turned the car on and said to Jon, "We're off! This is it!!" A smile crept across his face as I put the car in drive. This was to be our best trip yet! And then...four seconds later. . .

**BOAM!**

Carjoy instantly became Carsad. Just add stupidity.

The thing is...I might have accidentally run over the concrete block in the parking lot. You know, those things that are there simply to humiliate you should you forget about them. The loud slamming sound coupled with the violent rise and fall of the Turquoise Bullet made Jon and I both wonder if Carjoy would end mere inches after it began. I froze. Could the car I just spent $500 on to ensure it wouldn't explode during Carjoy be out of service before we even drove one tenth of a mile?

Sadjoy

After surveying the damage, the car seemed to be holding up just fine. (Aside from the giant concrete block beneath it, of course.)

DumbSad

As you can see in the photo above, the crash sent the Jollibee Cupjoy crashing down, spilling Pepsi-licious all over the damned place. The damage to the outside of my car was mercifully minimal compared to the carbonated flood inside, so with Jon's guidance, we got out of the predicament.

With the Turquoise Bullet out of harm's way, Jon and I finally hit the road (as opposed to hitting blocks of concrete) with our trusty travel-companions. . .

Bessie the Cow. . .

Syphie . . .

And our newest travelguest...Jollibee himself!

Around 2:30 PM, we stopped in Vegas for a quick bite to eat. Once we got off the highway, it took us about a year and a half to actually reach food. As we traveled down the Vegas Strip, it became clear that Jon doesn't actually like Vegas. Despite this, he managed to find a purple palace called Peppermill:

Purple Yumpurple!

As we exited the car for the first time since the Jollibee parking lot debacle, the heat hit us pretty hard. After nearly bursting into flames as we traversed the parking lot, we entered the neon haven and were overjoyed to discover such classic Vegas Style. It was definitely neon-licious AND gaudy-licious!



Even the sugar was flashy!

Sweety SugarJoy!

Crunchy YumPellets!

At first, we were unsure if it was even sugar. Upon closer inspection, it looked like something someone suffering from Morgellon's Disease would pull from their skin. So, of course we had to taste-test it. Essentially, they placed rock candy on our table....and it was delicious.

I will admit I was a little horrified when our waitress asked if we wanted sweetener with our iced tea. I pointed to the rainbow pellets and said, "That is sugar....isn't it," suddenly unsure of what I had ingested. She allayed my fears and told us that it doesn't dissolve well in iced tea. (She's right; it doesn't.)

After lunch, Jon and I went to downtown Vegas...or "The Old Strip." We went into the Four Queens casino (of course we did) and, after losing a combined total of $25 (split quite unevenly with him at $4 and me at $21), we decided to get back to the car before we died of heatstrokejoy.

Once we high-tailed it out of Vegas (after a failed attempt to find someplace to blog) we headed straight into Utah (via a brief stint in Arizona) and wound up in Beaver.

Insert joke here. (Along with anything else you insert in Beaver! HEY-O!!!)

*ahem* Anyway...Beaver is the birthplace of Butch Cassidy...and they sell these fabulous Coonskin caps at the gas stations!

DeadRacoonYay!

After a delicious, somewhat incident-free dinner at the Garden of Eat'n. . .

...Jon and I walked across the parking lot to the Best Western to see if they could possibly squeeze us in to a room tonight. We weren't sure they'd have any vacancies, what with Beaver, Utah being such a bustling metropolis of well over two thousand people!

Luckily, they had one (or fifty) roomjoys left. As we checked in, Jon inquired about the pool. "The pool is closed," our Juicy Clerkburger politely informed us. Jon asked when it would re-open and she replied, "It probably won't be reopening for a while." There was a brief pause, and just as everyone was about to move on, she continued, "Someone pooped in it."

Let me give you a moment to let that sink in:

Someone was swimming in the hotel pool...and pooped in it. And the woman at the front desk TOLD US, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, "SOMEONE POOPED IN IT."

REALLY?! Did she really tell us that someone just defecated in the pool? I looked at Jon who joked, "So...we can't swim in it?" Clerkburger laughed: "Well...I didn't want to swim in it. . ." I finally came out of my haze and joined in the fray, "So, I guess we'll just have to poop on the beds."

Somehow, that was going too far. The laughter stopped as both of them sort of looked on in horror. Whatever. I enjoyed a mint and kept quiet for the rest of the transaction.

Well, I guess it's better than jizz in my eye.

Jon is SO not allowed to pick the hotels anymore. And this time I mean it!!!

Day One : Los Angeles, CA to Beaver, UT

Mile 0 -- Goodbye Jollibee!

Mile 0.0000000000000000000001 -- Drunk on Chickenjoy, Jeff drives over the parking block.



Could this be the end of Carjoy?

Mile 0.1 -- After some careful navigating by Jon and some spectacular stunt driving by Jeff, we're back on track!

Mile 8.8 -- Lost? Already?

Mile 9.1 -- OK. Not lost.

Mile 9.2 -- Jon declares that Jeff is one "hot mess."

Mile 43.9 -- First sign for Vegas! Waaaaaaaaooooo!

Mile 57 -- Bit goes haywire as Jon actually opens his door while the car is in motion. Oops.

Mile 57.5 -- We hit traffic.

Mile 69.3 -- Everyone is breaking down. Hopefully, Jeff's Turquoise Bullet won't follow suit.

Mile 69.5 -- Jon discovers that after being exposed to high temperatures...Sugarfree Mentos leak.



Mile 75.3 -- Billboard for "Adult Fun Zone." We don't stop.

Mile 75.5 -- Sign for "Bear Valley." Grrrrrrrr!

Mile 84.3 -- We see smoke. Jeff wonders what it is...but decides whatever it is...he is relieved that it's not his car.

Mile 128.7 -- Yan Yan Snack Time!







(brought to you by older sister ru!)

Mile 155 -- WOoooOOoooOoo! 116 Miles to Vegas!

Mile 171.1 -- We see a sign for Zzyzx Road. Jeff screams like a giant woman.

Mile 178.7 -- World's tallest thermometer claims it's 121 degrees outside.



Human Thermometer Jeff double checks by sticking his hand out the window. He agrees with the tall one.


Mile 227 -- Where's Jackee Harry?

Mile 228 -- We're in Nevada!

Mile 232.2 -- Boo! Traffic!

Mile 263.1 -- Vegas, baby!

Mile 265.4 -- We almost melt trying to get to the purple restaurant known as "Peppermill."

Mile 267.4 -- We finally arrive at the purple "Peppermill." Two miles...and 40 minutes later.



It's delicious. And ridiculous.

Mile 267.5 -- Jeff and Jon try to find "Old" Vegas.

Mile 270.2 -- Park at Neonopolis. Across the street from "Old" Vegas.

Mile 270.3 -- Back in the car, Jon declares that he hates "Old" Vegas just as much as he hates "New" Vegas.

Mile 275 -- Jeff and Jon try to find wireless internet in "North" Vegas.

Mile 277.6 -- Jeff and Jon give up the wireless search and try to make their way back to the 15.

Mile 278.2 -- After gassing up, Jon is very excited to find Coca-Cola Blak.



Ofcourseheis.

Mile 278 -- Bye "Old" Vegas! You smell like BO and cigarette smoke!

Mile 278.3 -- Back on the road, Jeff and Jon head for the mysterious land of Utah.

Mile 281.7 -- Prison Area. Hitchhiking prohibited. Hot!

Mile 283.4 -- We pass a billboard that declares that Utah is "less than a tank of gas away!" Good thing we just filled up!

Mile 306.4 -- Valley of Fire! Hot!

Mile 312.3 -- At 90 miles per hour, Jeff's side mirror refuses to stay in place...instead it decides that straight down is a much more comfortable position.

Don't worry Mama Ru!

We're slowing down.

Mile 322.3 -- We pass a sign announcing an Indian Reservation. Jeff declares that they have a "24 hour cancellation policy."

Jeff claims that the joke was for "Mandel."

Uh...that will NEVER be an excuse.

Mile 327.8 -- Jon notices that we've been jizz free for almost 7 hours. A new road trip record!

Mile 353 -- Jeff declares that East Mesquite is SO cool...because of the pretty mountains.

Pretty? Yes.

Cool? Never.

Mile 354.9 -- We're in Arizona. And it's still on fire.

Mile 357.8 -- Driving towards the smoke, Jeff declares that he is STILL relieved that it's not his car.



Mile 364 -- Arizona smells like BBQ.

Mile 366.8 -- We're driving into the mountains. Literally.

Mile 369.3 -- We're crossing the "Virgin River." Hot or not?

Mile 384.2 -- We're in Utah! Where are all of the Mormons?

Mile 391 -- Family Fun Center in Utah! Jeff wonders if they have wireless internet access.

We don't stop.

Mile 413.2 -- We pass a sign for Browse, Utah.



Jeff wants to "look around," because we're in "Browse."

Jeff tries to use the "Mandel" defense again.

It doesn't work.

Mile 421.2 -- Bessie, Syphie, and Jollibee enjoy the beauty of Utah.



Mile 428.3 -- Potty Break.

Jeff and Jon are suddenly confused and disoriented by Mountain Time.

Mile 454.5 -- Race against the clock!

We have to get to Beaver, Utah by 9:30pm...before "The Garden of Eat'n" closes.

It's 8:30pm and we still have 40 miles to go.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mile 459.6 -- Jeff freaks out over an invisible bug that has made it's way inside the car.

Jon diagnoses Jeff with DTs.

Mile 479.5 -- Beaver in 15 miles! We're gonna make it!

Mile 484.6 -- We've entered Beaver County!

Mile 495.5 -- We're in Beaver and at "The Garden of Eat'n!"



It looks amazing....but the salad bar was not.

Mile 495.51 -- We call it a night...and check in at Beaver's finest motel, "Best Western - Paradise Inn."

I Ain't No Halo-Halo-Back Gurl!

So last night after catching a performance of "Happy Days : A Family Musical!" (starring Joey McIntyre as the Fonz)...Jeff, Adam, and I felt slightly unfulfilled.

So we went to Jollibee...where I made a giant pre-road trip faux pas.

I ordered the "Halo-Halo Supreme," which was supposed to look like this...



Instead, it kind of looked like this...



...only more gloppy and congealed.

I should have known I was asking for trouble when the lovely young lady behind the counter corrected me when I ordered the HAY-LO HAY-LO.

She asked, "Do you mean the HOL-LOW HOL-LOW Supreme?"

I nodded my head.

Two minutes later, a boy with a very wispy mustache set a bowl filled with glop on the counter and asked, "How does this look?"

I didn't want to be rude, so I said, "Looks great!"

While Jeff and Adam were busy ordering their Chickenjoy and French Fries, I sat down at a table and began inspecting my purchase.

The Halo-Halo Supreme supposedly features 16 heavenly ingredients. I'm not sure I could name all 16 ingredients myself, but I'm pretty sure they include some sort of ice cream, some sort of custard, some candied bits of coconut, candied chickpeas, and slices of an old frozen banana.

This cornucopia of delights tops a bed of shaved ice that is sitting in a pool of a mysterious white creamy sweet sauce.

At first, I was totally enjoying the Halo Halo Supreme. I couldn't eat it fast enough. It was sweet and delicious. Jeff and Adam even enjoyed a bit.

Then I got down to the shaved ice and creamy sweet sauce.

And I ate it.

Almost all of it.

I'm not sure what happened next, but I'm pretty sure that I turned a lovely shade of purple (just like the ice cream) and spent the next hour "hanging out" in my bathroom.


So...here's a pre-road trip tip for you all...

If you go to Jollibee...the night before departing on a road trip...don't order Halo Halo Supreme.

It will only make you bananas.

* * *

Despite all this, we still met up with Adam at Jollibee this morning for our final pre-road trip meal.



We had a bucket of Chickenjoy for breakfast.





With a side of gravy.



It was delicious.

Why Carjoy?

A few months ago, I was driving down Beverly towards my place in Silver Lake and I noticed that a new fast-food type place had opened...called "Jollibee."



The fact that there was a new and different fast-food type place opening in LA isn't all that exciting. There are hundreds of them all over the greater Los Angeles area and I haven't been interested in trying any of them.

Until Jollibee came along.



Why is Jollibee so enticing?

Because of the following sign...



Who wouldn't want to try a JUICY YUMBURGER?

What about some CRISPY CHICKENJOY?

I was desperate to go, but I couldn't convince the older sister to come with.

So I remained a Jollibee virgin...until two weeks ago...when Jeff agreed to join me in a Jollibee adventure. The little sister was also in the car at the time...so she was forced to come along too. Against her will.

We all tried the juicy Yumburger...



...which ended up not being very juicy at all.

It tasted like reheated meatloaf.

But who cares about taste?

Especially when you have products with names like Yumburger, Chickenjoy, and Jolly Hot Dog?

Jeff and I were convinced that our new road trip blog had to based around the wonders of Chickenjoy (something that we hadn't even tasted yet)...so we decided that our new road trip blog had to be named: "CARJOY"

* * *

Want MORE Jollibee joy?

Check out this genius commercial...



Who serves spaghetti as a side dish?

Jollibee does!


For more on the origins of Jollibee (it's bigger than McDonald's in the Philippines), CLICK HERE.

Meet the Carjoy Correspondents!

JEFF!



JON!



MARBLE NOTEBOOK!