Friday, July 07, 2006

The End?

Here's the thing...

I'm not good with the whole final statement thing.

In fact...on Emancipation Vacation...I never wrote a final post when I got home.

For Carjoy, I was determined to do something.

So I spent a few hours on my computer...and with the help of Jeff's genius sound editing skills...I came up with the following "video" presentation.


Thursday, July 06, 2006

Right Back Where We Started From

It's been a looooong ten days. (Has it really only been ten days?) Our final day of Carjoy was spent in luxury on Tuesday, 7/4 at the lovely Miramonte Spa and Resort--a far cry, to be sure, from the Best Western in Beaver, Utah, where, on Day One, someone pooped in the pool.

I feel like I've lived through four centuries since that episode.

Anyway, this was my first spa experience, and one that was definitely welcome after sitting in the Turquoise Bullet for over 2600 miles.

Jon and Jeff with special Carjoy guests: Keith and Brad!
Keith and Brad joined Jon and I on this final leg of our journey. After waking up from the most restful night of sleep I think Ive ever had (Jon mentioned the beds already...but seriously, they were ridiculously comfortable...) we all went to the Well Spa and began swimming and sunning.

Jollibee relaxes, but doesn't like to get his hat wet. . .


Even my phone decided to take a swim in the pool! (OK, maybe that was my fault. But come on--I had just spent ten days in a car!) Otherwise, the spa day was amazing.

We all took a dip in the pools, suffocated in the steam room, and then we each got a massage. I treated myself a hot cobblestone treatment, where I was hoping that they'd just throw rocks at me until I was dead. However, they simply heated up the rocks until they were molten lava and then rubbed them all over me. It felt much better than it sounds, and once the burns heal I'm sure to feel very relaxed.

Ok, it actually felt really, really good. I'm just annoyed that my masseuse was gabbing with the masseuse that Keith, Brad and Jon all had...and told her that I might be a little ticklish. Their massuese came out and immediately shared that information with them. Giggling (on their part) ensued. My relaxation was short-lived, to be sure.

I'd have called to complain, but as it turns out, when you swim with your phone, it stops working. Stupid razr.

Anyway, after a (nearly) stress-free day, Jon and I drove the last 100+ miles back to LA's own Jollibee to officially finish off Carjoy, 2006, just the way we started--albeit a little more haggard after driving approximately 2,777 miles.

Thanks for paying attention to Carjoy! Hope you had half as fun reading it as Jon and I had living it. (Well, most of it, anyway...)

See you at Jollibee!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Here's The Thing. . .

Earlier this week, as we were driving out of Stupid New Mexico, we began seeing signs for "The Thing."

For almost two hundred miles, the side of the road is littered with them (along with various other New Mexican debris). Jon and I had already agreed that we weren't going to stop at The Thing if it was before we reached the state border. Luckily for us, it was in Arizona.

So....after hours of seeing the billboards. . .we were wondering what you're wondering. . .

Good question. Lucky for you, your Carjoy correspondents were on the scene to investigate.

Unfortunately, we're still not really sure what it is. It costs a dollar, that much we know. You enter into what is essentially the back of the cheesy rest area/gift shop, and you're greeted with this:

An early model tractor: Just "The Thing" for replacing four-legged horse power, as the sign says.

Is that it? Is that really The Thing?

No. As you wander through, this place becomes a sort of museum, inside of what are essentially giant metal trailers that are connected by a sidewalk with giant yellow footprints. In the second trailer is a collection of . . .well, artifacts is probably too strong of a word, but I'll use it anyway. There were some 400 year old guns on display, along with old Morse Code transmitters, some random signage, and lots of wood carvings. Some of them depicting scenes. . .


...and some depicting....other things. . .

(We think that one might have made the yellow footprints!)

In the final metal trailer, you are treated to this Thing:

Some sort of mummified corpse, laying beneath a glass covered in bird poop. (Of course something pooped on it.) Not quite the plasticized corpses we saw in Denver, but still. It was a little too Poltergeist-ish for me.

And then...there's this Thing:

Yes. That's a Hitler dummy.


Who puts that anywhere?

Arizona got off to a bad start.

Or perhaps it was run-off suck from people speeding out of New Mexico. Either way...The Thing was almost worth the dollar just for the fact that it was somewhere other than New Mexico. Except for the Hitler bit, it was an interesting assemblage of items.

And also a complete waste of time....kind of like this post.

This Ain't No Drama Club!

Let's go back to Monday night...shall we?

Jeff and I arrived at the Miramonte Resort and Spa in Indian Wells, California with joy in hearts.


Because we were two states away from stupidNewMexico.

On the drive to the Miramonte Resort and Spa, Jeff and I called Keith and Brad to convince them to join us.

The "convincing" took a whole three seconds.

We also called Bookie...who was VERY busy buying "Fine" China at Costco. His plate was SO full that he had to go out and buy a couple of new ones.

Unfortunately for us and the guests at the Mirmonte Resort and Spa, Bookie stayed in LA.

While waiting for Brad and Keith to arrive, Jeff and I checked into our room at the Miramonte Resort and Spa...where we discovered the MOST COMFORTABLE BEDS EVER.


They were magical. Like sleeping on a cloud. A big puffy cumulus cloud filled with joy.

A couple of hours later, Keith and Brad arrived and we all went out for a delicious dinner.

Post-dinner, we decided to drive into Palm Springs to check out what nighttime was like there.

We went to my "favorite" kind of gay bar. A "video" bar. A video bar called "Hunter's."

We ordered some drinks and had a lovely time.

And then some crazy started to trickle in.

And then...the crazydam burst.

And supercraziness arrived.

It was all too much for us to handle.

And the MOST COMFORTABLE BEDS EVER were calling our we piled into Keith's car and headed back to the Miramonte Resort and Spa.

And everyone went to bed...

And slept.

With sugarplum Normas dancing in our heads.

(I'm working on a very special final Carjoy presentation. Hopefully it will be done later today. Or tomorrow. Or...well...let's be honest. It'll probably end up being posted on Friday.)

New Mexico? More like BOO Mexico!

Sorry for our lack of updates. We've been too busy celebrating the fact that we made it out of New Mexico (realatively) unscathed.

Upon arriving in Phoenix on Sunday night, Jon and I met up with my friend Amy and her fiancee Brian. I've known Amy since I was in High School, and had a job working in Wildwood, NJ at an arcade. They met us at a gay bar called Amsterdam in downtown Phoenix...mere blocks from the Ramada we were staying.

Jeffjoy and AmyLove

Now with Brian!

I was sad to discover the bar was having a kareoke night. Blam! Brian got up to sing, and once he finished, our party moved to the outdoor area so that we could talk in peace. Amy and I had fun reminiscing about our past, and caught up with each other's presents. Of course, my favorite part was when she figured out I was gay--the photos of Jon and I at the rocks in Utah were the first thing to tip her off, apparently.

Keep in mind, we haven't seen each other in a verylong time.

Amy was sweet as pie, just how I remember. And since Jon and I were verybusy celebrating the fact that we were out of New Mexico, the liquor flowed...although there was one sculpture there that reminded us of The Land of Enchantment:

"Half a Man" can be yours...for only three thousand dollars.

Nothanks. Perhaps New Mexico can add it to its fine collection of street art:


I know I've been raging against New Mexico for the better part of Carjoy, but I honestly believe that you need to know the dangers that lie in New Mexico for you.

1. There is NO. FOOD. ANYWHERE.


And even if there is a rumor of's likely closed...

...or you don't want to eat there.

Even when you find food, it's mutated and inedible.

2. Generally speaking, New Mexico is beatiful. But looks will only get you so far. It's what's on the inside that counts:

Bear in mind, we were on the "scenic route" through New Mexico. . .

State motto of New Mexico:

Foolish things such as. . .

...writing on top of a mountain. I don't know what it means. But it's probably from someone message from someone who tried to escape from New Mexico. Clearly, he's long dead. Or perhaps its an alien communication! Either way, we didn't stick around to find out.

Then there's the people of New Mexico. I'm sure most of them are verynice...however, they have very unique ways of transporting themselves. . .

CrispyBike built for three--towing a baby carriage. SafeFun!

They still ride horses here. Ofcoursetheydo.

I could go on. . .
and on. . .

...and on. . .

...about New Mexico. But there's other, more important stuff to write about. Besides...I think I've made my point.

But if U want 2 buy property in the Land of Enchantment. . .

Go 4 it!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy American Pride!!!

All of the Carjoy correspondents have arrived home safely!

Final posts will be up tomorrow (at some point).

Until then, enjoy our very own "fireworks" display for the Fourth of July...

The folks at Carjoy want to wish everyone...a safe and happy Independence Day!!!

(Except for the state of New Mexico...we still hate you.)

Day Ten : Indian Wells, CA to Los Angeles, CA

Mile 2647.1 -- Sadly...we are leaving the beautiful and relaxing Miramonte Resort and Spa behind! Seeya!

Mile 2647.9 -- Gas Station Stop. Jon gets harassed by a homeless guy. They get into a fight. Miraculously, Jon wins.

Mile 2666.9 -- Race against the clock time! It's 110 miles to Los Angeles. And it's almost 9 pm. And Jollibee closes at 10:30 pm (just like all of stupidNewMexico)! AHHHHH!

Mile 2670.0 -- The Lactaid/Gas-X cocktail fails to save Jeff from Jon's "dairy" issues. Bessie the cow refuses to take responsibility.

Mile 2674.9 -- We pass a sign that tells us that Riverside is in 45 miles. There is no mention of Los Angeles.

How is that helpful to anyone???

Mile 2685.7 -- Only 89 miles to Los Angeles?

Will we make it?

Only time will tell...

Mile 2685.8 -- Waaaaooo! Two sets of Fireworks! On either side of the highway!

Mile 2698.5 -- Traffic Jam! For no reason!


There is no time for stopping everyone!

No time!

Mile 2710.7 -- Fireworks are everywhere!

Mile 2723.7 -- Since Mama Ru loved it so much the first time, here is a reprise of "Gay Boyfriend."

Mile 2731.8 -- Gayest. iPod. Ever.

Jon tries to "educate" Jeff on musical playing "Liza with a Z."

Jeff insists on being the...worst. student. ever.

Mile 2739.3 -- BOAM!

Mile 2763.5 -- Fireworks are all over the place right now! Seriously!

I don't know if you've heard...but it's the Fourth of July!

Happy American Pride everyone!

Mile 2767.5 -- Another Traffic Jam! AHHHH! We're not going to make it to Jollibee in time for Crispy Chickenjoy! OR Juicy Yumburgers!

Mile 2770.5 -- We're on the 101! We're almost there! Maybe we will make it after all!

Mile 2776.1 -- We're ALMOST almost there! But is it in time?

Mile 2776.8 -- Ten Days later...we arrive at Jollibee.

Bookie is already there drinking his purple Ube Pearl Cooler.


And guess what?

Just like the entire state of New Mexico (and/or New Jersey), Jollibee is closed.

BUT that doesn't stop us from taking a Carjoy family photo with Grandfather Jollibee!

Happy Carjoy everyone!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Day Nine : Phoenix, AZ to Indian Wells, CA

Mile 2382.3 -- See ya Phoenix! California, here we coooooooooooooooooooooooooooome!

Mile 2384.1 -- We stop for gas. Guess who bought an entire box of illegal alien ICE Mint Mentos that are only supposed to be sold in Indonesia?

Mile 2422.5 -- Jeff is on the phone! He is very important!

He's way too busy to talk to anyone. Especially Zak.

Mile 2428.3 -- Bessie the cow never asked for the anal probe.

Mile 2436.0 -- Yet another tractor trailer tries to run us over.

Mile 2468.0 -- 297 miles to Los Angeles! We'll see you soon!

Mile 2478.2 -- What up with this Pink Grapefruit Mentos?

It looks like it has jizzy eye!

Mile 2501.2 -- Bad Ass Strippa time, yo!!!

Mile 2510.5 -- The "sing every song like Fred Schneider from the B-52s" bit continues to entertain!

For those of you having problems understanding what is going on here, watch this...

...and hopefully that will make everything all better. Or something.

Mile 2522.1 -- Jon invents the jerky sandwich...

...Wheat Thins plus Beef Jerky turns out to be deliciously salty, but also deliciously hard to eat.

Mile 2535.2 -- Thank G-d/Yahweh/Allah! We're back in California!

Mile 2535.3-- Jeff sees a truck filled with Hay.

Guess what he says?


Mile 2558.0 -- Only 75 miles to Indio...which mean it's less than two hours to the Miramonte Resort and Spa in Indian Wells, CA!

Hi...Jon and Jeff are both very excited to relax!

Mile 2591.4 -- Hi...Bimbo!

Where's Bookie?

Mile 2605.9 -- Jeff and Jon convince Brad and Keith to meet them at the Miramonte Resort and Spa in Indian Wells! Jon is very excited to talk to "real people." Unless Jeff cuts him first.

Also...Who's Brad?

And does anyone want a Chocolate Chip Cookie?

Chips Ahoy!!!

Mile 2609.9 -- Mecca!

I hear they pray a lot there.

mile 2616.2-- We pass a sign for Frontage Road!

There's a whole lot of "Frontin'" on that road. You want to avoid it at all costs...especially if your name is Jeff Nucera.

Mile 2628.3 -- The whole gang is VERY excited to have a "me" day at the Miramonte Resort and Spa!

Bessie can't wait to get a relaxing cobblestone massage.

Jollibee is in desperate need of a facial.

Syphie is oozing with excitement at the prospect of a body scrub.

And Allie the Alien is very excited to try out his new Anal Probe 2000 on a whole new set of people.

Mile 2654.0 -- We pass a sign for "Monroe Street." Jeff launches into a "Too Close For Comfort" bit. Ted Knight rolls over in his grave.

Mile 2640.0 -- Almost there!

Mile 2645.7 -- Hi...we just passed the Miramonte Resort and Spa! And there is no place to turn around.

Of course there isn't.

Mile 2646.8 -- We've arrived at the Miramonte Resort and Spa!

Let the relaxing begin...NOW!