Saturday, July 01, 2006

Don't Ring That Bell!

A few years ago, when my sister Donna was moving to San Diego, she and her friend Nicole stopped in Santa Fe. They didn't enjoy it.

At one point, they were in a store and found a bell with a sign attached that read, "If you ring this bell, you'll come back to Santa Fe!" Nicole screamed, "DON'T RING THAT BELL!"

Yesterday, Jon and I discovered why.

After leaving (boring) Taos, we headed the two-ish hours towards Santa Fe. We were excited to be in Santa Fe for the night. We were lured with the promise of "things to do." We figured it was a Friday night in a decent-sized city. We're sure to find some stuff to do! Jon did a little research and found a write-up online about a gay bar called "The Drama Club," which is just hilarious on so many levels.

Once we arrived in town, we immediately checked into our Luxurious hotel and, having learned our lesson from before, we headed out for some food before we became too ravenous. Jon drove us into town and we noticed that many of the restaurants were closed. According to the AAA book, most places didn't open until 5:30 for dinner. How could this be? How could everything be closed in New Mexico ALL THE TIME??? In Taos, everything was closed by 9PM. In Santa Fe, everything was closed before 5:30PM. What sort of arbitrary, half-assed schedule are the people of New Mexico on? As we continued to quest to find a place to eat, Jon slowly but surely began to get more and more stabby. He began yelling at the cars in front of us to drive faster. He yelled at the buildings that were closed. He yelled at the shopping center we had to turn around in.

Eventually, we found a place that seemed open (in that its doors were open--no one was actually anywhere near the place) so Jon tried to find a place to park. It was around this time that he started hollering at the one-way streets for being one-way. Thankfully, we found a parking meter before he chewed my leg off.

When we got into the Burrito Company Cafe, Jon silently raged at the ridiculous tourist family in front of us. Once our food arrived, everyone calmed down and we were able to leave Stabbyville (Population: Jon) and Carjoy was no longer StarveJoy...or CarStab.

After enjoying the Georgia O'Keeffe museum, we wandered around the Plaza for about ten seconds before realizing we didn't want to be there anymore.


We got back to the hotel where an e-mail was waiting for me from Lauren--a girl I worked with about eight years ago back east, when I was still working in radio. Turns out she is here in Santa Fe for a master's program, and wanted to hang out while we were in town. I called and invited her to the Drama Club, and she was totally up for it.

About ten minutes later, upon doing a little more research, we discovered that the Drama Club closed. Years ago. Ofcourseitdid. And, apparently, that was the last gay bar in town. "Well, to hell with that! We'll just grab dinner and drinks at a pub or something with Lauren and her friends!" Lauren and her friends were already out and having fun, so we decided to join her in progress. It was about 9PM and, unfortunately for us, that's over a billion o'clock in the New Mexico time zone. Every ten minutes or so, Lauren called to tell us that where ever they were, it was closing.

After showering and making a half a dozen phone calls to various places, we discovered that, between 9 and 10PM, everything in Santa Fe closes for the night. SERIOUSLY. EVEN THE BARS. ON A FRIDAY NIGHT. The front desk clerk at the Luxurious Hotel we were staying in suggested we eat at Denny's. No thanks.

As Jon and I made the rapid descent back into Stabbyville via the Starvation Highway, we drove back into the dreaded downtown area to try and meet up with Lauren before we got arrested on some sort of curfew violation for being outside after 7PM.

On our way to the "Oar House" (seriously) Jon and I stumbled upon a closed-looking mall with a sign that promised "Rooftop Pizza!" Since literally every other place we called had just closed, we thought it wasn't even worth a shot. Jon pressed the button for the elevator, but then we heard the sweet sounds of voices wafting down the stairway next to it. Could it be--PEOPLE? Real live people? Coming from what we presume must be the rooftop? Without waiting for the elevator, we ran upstairs to the Rooftop and discovered that Rooftop Pizza was, in fact, open.

Crowded it was not, but at least there was food and beverage to be had.

Friday night in downtown Santa Fe.


As soon as we were done eating, Lauren called again to tell us that the Oar House was closing. Ofcoursetheywere. We went outside to meet her and her friends, and they were making plans to go back to the dorms they were staying at for some random fun.

Jeff and LaurenJoy--Together again!

Dorms? Really? Jon and I initially weren't too keen on the idea of going to a dorm room and drinking booze as if we were 18, so we tried to kidnap Lauren to find somewhere else to hang out. Surely, Something, Somewhere had to be open. But her friend Katie somehow managed to convince us to go back to the dorms with them. I could already tell this girl was trouble.

Lauren and her other pal Taylor climbed into the Turquoise Bullet (our first Carjoy Guests!) and Taylor attempted to navigate us back to the college campus. At one point, she uttered the phrase, "Do you know where we are?"

Eventually, she got us to the campus and our Friday night in Santa Fe continued to get more and more random and ridiculous.

Wine and Balls. Who could ask for anything more?

Lauren and I caught up with each other and Taylor and Katie regaled Jon and I with stories of how they've been causing trouble all throughout their dorms for the three weeks or so that they've been in town--including one where Katie entered Taylor's dorm room carrying a sack full of burritos while wearing a Native American facemask. Their neighbor wasn't too happy. Apparently, everyone else has gone crazy from the lack of things to do in Santa Fe as well. Luckily, Jon and I get to leave today.

LaurenJoy and KatieTrouble

The night that started off pretty much as a disaster ended up being wine-and-hilarity filled, thanks to Lauren and her breadloafy friends.

Red wine + White wine = TipsyFun!

Jon's Version of Stonehenge

LaurenJoy, Carjoy's Jeff, KatieTrouble and TaylorFun!

Thanks for the DormJoy, ladies! Good luck with the rest of your time in Santa Fe. Seriously. You're gonna need it. And whatever you do--DON'T RING THAT BELL!

1 comment:

Core said...

Hi Guys,

I stumbled onto your blog and as a Santa Fe resident, I found it very amusing. This is indeed a very sleepy town. You adjust. I thought you might be interested to know that another gay-bar has opened! It's at the 'firstofitskind' queer retirement home! Ha!