Right Back Where We Started From

It's been a looooong ten days. (Has it really only been ten days?) Our final day of Carjoy was spent in luxury on Tuesday, 7/4 at the lovely Miramonte Spa and Resort--a far cry, to be sure, from the Best Western in Beaver, Utah, where, on Day One, someone pooped in the pool.

I feel like I've lived through four centuries since that episode.

Anyway, this was my first spa experience, and one that was definitely welcome after sitting in the Turquoise Bullet for over 2600 miles.

Jon and Jeff with special Carjoy guests: Keith and Brad!

Keith and Brad joined Jon and I on this final leg of our journey. After waking up from the most restful night of sleep I think Ive ever had (Jon mentioned the beds already...but seriously, they were ridiculously comfortable...) we all went to the Well Spa and began swimming and sunning.

Jollibee relaxes, but doesn't like to get his hat wet. . .

AlienJoy!

Even my phone decided to take a swim in the pool! (OK, maybe that was my fault. But come on--I had just spent ten days in a car!) Otherwise, the spa day was amazing.

We all took a dip in the pools, suffocated in the steam room, and then we each got a massage. I treated myself a hot cobblestone treatment, where I was hoping that they'd just throw rocks at me until I was dead. However, they simply heated up the rocks until they were molten lava and then rubbed them all over me. It felt much better than it sounds, and once the burns heal I'm sure to feel very relaxed.

Ok, it actually felt really, really good. I'm just annoyed that my masseuse was gabbing with the masseuse that Keith, Brad and Jon all had...and told her that I might be a little ticklish. Their massuese came out and immediately shared that information with them. Giggling (on their part) ensued. My relaxation was short-lived, to be sure.

I'd have called to complain, but as it turns out, when you swim with your phone, it stops working. Stupid razr.

Anyway, after a (nearly) stress-free day, Jon and I drove the last 100+ miles back to LA's own Jollibee to officially finish off Carjoy, 2006, just the way we started--albeit a little more haggard after driving approximately 2,777 miles.

Thanks for paying attention to Carjoy! Hope you had half as fun reading it as Jon and I had living it. (Well, most of it, anyway...)

See you at Jollibee!

Here's The Thing. . .

Earlier this week, as we were driving out of Stupid New Mexico, we began seeing signs for "The Thing."


For almost two hundred miles, the side of the road is littered with them (along with various other New Mexican debris). Jon and I had already agreed that we weren't going to stop at The Thing if it was before we reached the state border. Luckily for us, it was in Arizona.

So....after hours of seeing the billboards. . .we were wondering what you're wondering. . .



Good question. Lucky for you, your Carjoy correspondents were on the scene to investigate.


Unfortunately, we're still not really sure what it is. It costs a dollar, that much we know. You enter into what is essentially the back of the cheesy rest area/gift shop, and you're greeted with this:

An early model tractor: Just "The Thing" for replacing four-legged horse power, as the sign says.

Is that it? Is that really The Thing?

No. As you wander through, this place becomes a sort of museum, inside of what are essentially giant metal trailers that are connected by a sidewalk with giant yellow footprints. In the second trailer is a collection of . . .well, artifacts is probably too strong of a word, but I'll use it anyway. There were some 400 year old guns on display, along with old Morse Code transmitters, some random signage, and lots of wood carvings. Some of them depicting scenes. . .

TortureThing

...and some depicting....other things. . .


(We think that one might have made the yellow footprints!)

In the final metal trailer, you are treated to this Thing:



Some sort of mummified corpse, laying beneath a glass covered in bird poop. (Of course something pooped on it.) Not quite the plasticized corpses we saw in Denver, but still. It was a little too Poltergeist-ish for me.

And then...there's this Thing:

Yes. That's a Hitler dummy.

Seriously.

Who puts that anywhere?

Arizona got off to a bad start.

Or perhaps it was run-off suck from people speeding out of New Mexico. Either way...The Thing was almost worth the dollar just for the fact that it was somewhere other than New Mexico. Except for the Hitler bit, it was an interesting assemblage of items.

And also a complete waste of time....kind of like this post.

New Mexico? More like BOO Mexico!

Sorry for our lack of updates. We've been too busy celebrating the fact that we made it out of New Mexico (realatively) unscathed.

Upon arriving in Phoenix on Sunday night, Jon and I met up with my friend Amy and her fiancee Brian. I've known Amy since I was in High School, and had a job working in Wildwood, NJ at an arcade. They met us at a gay bar called Amsterdam in downtown Phoenix...mere blocks from the Ramada we were staying.

Jeffjoy and AmyLove

Now with Brian!

I was sad to discover the bar was having a kareoke night. Blam! Brian got up to sing, and once he finished, our party moved to the outdoor area so that we could talk in peace. Amy and I had fun reminiscing about our past, and caught up with each other's presents. Of course, my favorite part was when she figured out I was gay--the photos of Jon and I at the rocks in Utah were the first thing to tip her off, apparently.

Keep in mind, we haven't seen each other in a verylong time.

Amy was sweet as pie, just how I remember. And since Jon and I were verybusy celebrating the fact that we were out of New Mexico, the liquor flowed...although there was one sculpture there that reminded us of The Land of Enchantment:


"Half a Man" can be yours...for only three thousand dollars.

Nothanks. Perhaps New Mexico can add it to its fine collection of street art:

JonPerv

NOTHIN!

I know I've been raging against New Mexico for the better part of Carjoy, but I honestly believe that you need to know the dangers that lie in New Mexico for you.

1. There is NO. FOOD. ANYWHERE.

StarveDie

And even if there is a rumor of food....it's likely closed...

...or you don't want to eat there.

Even when you find food, it's mutated and inedible.

2. Generally speaking, New Mexico is beatiful. But looks will only get you so far. It's what's on the inside that counts:

Bear in mind, we were on the "scenic route" through New Mexico. . .


State motto of New Mexico:

Foolish things such as. . .

...writing on top of a mountain. I don't know what it means. But it's probably from someone message from someone who tried to escape from New Mexico. Clearly, he's long dead. Or perhaps its an alien communication! Either way, we didn't stick around to find out.

Then there's the people of New Mexico. I'm sure most of them are verynice...however, they have very unique ways of transporting themselves. . .

CrispyBike built for three--towing a baby carriage. SafeFun!

They still ride horses here. Ofcoursetheydo.

I could go on. . .
and on. . .


...and on. . .


...about New Mexico. But there's other, more important stuff to write about. Besides...I think I've made my point.

But if U want 2 buy property in the Land of Enchantment. . .



Go 4 it!

Day Ten : Indian Wells, CA to Los Angeles, CA

Mile 2647.1 -- Sadly...we are leaving the beautiful and relaxing Miramonte Resort and Spa behind! Seeya!

Mile 2647.9 -- Gas Station Stop. Jon gets harassed by a homeless guy. They get into a fight. Miraculously, Jon wins.

Mile 2666.9 -- Race against the clock time! It's 110 miles to Los Angeles. And it's almost 9 pm. And Jollibee closes at 10:30 pm (just like all of stupidNewMexico)! AHHHHH!

Mile 2670.0 -- The Lactaid/Gas-X cocktail fails to save Jeff from Jon's "dairy" issues. Bessie the cow refuses to take responsibility.

Mile 2674.9 -- We pass a sign that tells us that Riverside is in 45 miles. There is no mention of Los Angeles.

How is that helpful to anyone???

Mile 2685.7 -- Only 89 miles to Los Angeles?

Will we make it?

Only time will tell...

Mile 2685.8 -- Waaaaooo! Two sets of Fireworks! On either side of the highway!



Mile 2698.5 -- Traffic Jam! For no reason!

Rar.

There is no time for stopping everyone!

No time!

Mile 2710.7 -- Fireworks are everywhere!

Mile 2723.7 -- Since Mama Ru loved it so much the first time, here is a reprise of "Gay Boyfriend."



Mile 2731.8 -- Gayest. iPod. Ever.



Jon tries to "educate" Jeff on musical theater...by playing "Liza with a Z."

Jeff insists on being the...worst. student. ever.

Mile 2739.3 -- BOAM!

Mile 2763.5 -- Fireworks are all over the place right now! Seriously!

I don't know if you've heard...but it's the Fourth of July!

Happy American Pride everyone!

Mile 2767.5 -- Another Traffic Jam! AHHHH! We're not going to make it to Jollibee in time for Crispy Chickenjoy! OR Juicy Yumburgers!

Mile 2770.5 -- We're on the 101! We're almost there! Maybe we will make it after all!

Mile 2776.1 -- We're ALMOST almost there! But is it in time?

Mile 2776.8 -- Ten Days later...we arrive at Jollibee.

Bookie is already there drinking his purple Ube Pearl Cooler.



ofcourseheis.

And guess what?

Just like the entire state of New Mexico (and/or New Jersey), Jollibee is closed.

BUT that doesn't stop us from taking a Carjoy family photo with Grandfather Jollibee!



Happy Carjoy everyone!

NOTHIN!

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Carjoy will not be seen tonight. Instead, please enjoy this rerun of Emancipation Vacation! (The road trip from 2005!)


Please come back next time for an all new Carjoy!

Day Eight: Roswell, NM to Phoenix, AZ

Mile 1791.3 -- Goodbye, Leisure Inn. We have to be in Tucson by 8PM!

Mile 1792.7 -- Leaving Roswell City Limits! Bye, Crazies!

Mile 1805.3 -- Jeff and Jon discover that Syphie abducted an alien in Roswell, and used Jollibee to transport him.

Alienjoy!

Mile 1805.6 Bessie picks a fight with Allie, the alien, raging about years of mutilation to her family.

Cowmad

In other news, Jeff has lost his mind.

Mile 1809.3 -- Jon swears he saw a sign about retarded brakes. Clearly, he's lost his mind as well.

Mile 1811.1 -- We're officially alone on the road.

Mile 1821.7 -- "Safety Corridor. Reduce Speed," says the sign. "Safety corridor, my ass," shouts Jon.

Mile 1856.7 -- "End Safety Corridor." Now we can kill ourselves without fear of reprisal.

Mile 1857.9 -- Disco Tacos! And the Billy the Kid Museum. No, thanks.


Mile 1859.6 -- Ruidiso, NM is super crazy. 50% off Furniture and Bears! (Even leather ones. Seriously.)


Mile 1861.4 -- J&J Bar and Country Church. Clearly, we should stop.


We don't.

There's also a J&J Mini Mart. We don't stop there, either.

Mile 1867.1 -- Jeff and Jon realize they gain an hour in Arizona. Hi, 25 hour day! The extra hour will be filled with pie in Tucson. Arizona, they realize, is already infinitely cooler than New Mexico. They hurry to get there.

Mile 1875.3 -- Right Lane Closed. Road Work. Ofcourseitis. Hurrying ceases.

Mile 1881.2 -- Bent, NM. I have no joke for that.

Mile 1891.0 -- Tularosa, NM. Why are we still in New Mexico?

Mile 1917.8 -- Desert Sand missile range. Clearly, this is not a Safety Corridor.


Mile 1919.3 -- Nancy Site. Hi, we're right here!


Mile 1959.1 -- NASA Fun Zone! This might make New Mexico less hateful....But wait! It must be some sort of trap of lame-ness! YOU'LL HAVE TO TRY HARDER, NEW MEXICO!!! YOU CAN'T FOOL US!!!

Mile 1963.9 -- But you can starve us, apparently. Hi, there's no food. Again. There is, however, an adult toy factory. No thanks.
Mile 1968.6 -- Roadrunner has no food. Just like the rest of New Mexico.

Mile 1973.1 -- Lunchbreak at Farley's!

Mile 1978.8 -- We're officially on the 10 West--the road we'll eventually take to Los Angeles.

Mile 2000 -- WEEOOOOO! 2000 Miles!!!

Mile 2000.3 -- Traffic stops. Please get us the hell out of this state.

Mile 2005.6 -- 248 Miles to Tucson!

Mile 2007.7 -- Asshat in a truck nearly kills us.

Mile 2039.1 -- Different asshat trucker tries to take us out, along with the people behind us. We will get out of New Mexico even if it kills us. We might need a new Safety Corridor.

Mile 2041.1 -- Oh my! A new Safety Corridor! Now no one's allowed to kill us!

Mile 2047.2 -- 138 Miles until "The Thing?" We agree that if The Thing is still in New Mexico, we won't stop to find out what it is.

ConfusionFun!

Mile 2061.2 -- Need a vasectomy reversal? Of course you do.

Mile 2065.8 -- Safety Corridor ends. Hi, we're F'd.

Mile 2092.2 -- Detour ahead. WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE GET OUT OF NEW MEXICO?! SERIOUSLY??? WHY!!!!!!!

Mile 2097.5 -- Jon goes to jail for suggesting that you go to "Kranberries" if you have a urinary tract infection. Idiot.

Mile 2105.2 -- A rock formation has the phrase "Fraggle Rock" painted on it. New Mexico is bursting at the seems with a nightmarish level of insanity.

Mile 2106.7 -- Upon seeing a dust storm ahead, Jon shouts, "Auntie Em! It's a twister!" No wonder we're banned in China.

Mile 2120.4 -- GOODBYE, NEW MEXICO! FOREVER!!!! Hi, **ARIZONA** We looooove you!!!

Mile 2131.4 -- Thank God for Arizona/Pacific Time. Hi, it's re-three-o'clock. We're very happy to have this hour over again in a REAL state.

Mile 2185.4 -- Here's "The Thing." Thankfully. Hi, we're on E! And not the popular cable network.
Mile 2232.6 -- Tucson! In 21 Miles!

Mile 2236.9 -- It's raining. But at least it's not New Mexico.

Mile 2253.2 -- Beautiful Downtown Tucson.

Mile 2253.6 -- Lost in Beautiful Downtown Tucson. Jon: "We're not lost!" Apparently, we're simply misplaced.

Mile 2254.1 -- We're at the corner of 6th & 6th. Seriously.

Mile 2254.5 -- We arrive at the B-line. Jon nearly jizzes.

Mile 2343.9 -- Arizona = Beautiful. And so far, not so much full of crazy. And we still hate New Mexico.

Mile 2347.5 -- "Queen Creek." Jon's RIGHT HERE! And he just proved it by asking, "Could you have made a Dawson's Creek reference?"


Mile 2352.6 -- It's 102 Degrees out. Hi, my pages are singed.

Mile 2362.6 -- First sign for Los Angeles. We're not gonna! (yet)

Mile 2368.1 -- Downtown Phoenix!

Mile 2368.6 -- Jon pulls over into Church's Chicken to take an emergency potty break. Apparently, eating forty-two pies in under an hour took its toll. Sadly, he had to use the women's bathroom. No comment.


Mile 2371.5 -- Ramada Inn, Downtown Phoenix! Weooo!